.JustAMusicFreak.

SHANGHAI!

2008-06-03T12:13:00.003+08:00

Okay soooo I've FINALLY gonna do a post on my Shanghai trip, I SOOOO MISS IT ALREADY! =( But not just because stuff is cheap and interesting there, more for the awesome people I went with. Was really great to get to know some of them more, me usually being rather quiet and taking time to warm up to people. I'm gonna miss Shanghai and the parties in my room almost every night siiigghhhh...

I did kinda get a souvenir from there thought, BAD TUMMYACHE. I think it's from all the uber oily unhealthy food, I couldn't take a crap for the whole week, so when I came back BOOM! Still feeling it gooosshhh, the price to pay for nice oily food. Shopping wasn't too bad! Although I only had one day of proper shopping, I didn't quite get as much as I would have wanted but yyeeaahhh, still happy with it! And oh oh I've played the WORST drumset I've EVER seen IN MY LIFE. Like super crappy off tune cheena sounding drumset with no ride cymbal. Was kinda upset about it, but somehow made do with it yeah!

It was loads of fun, maannn I'm feeling down now that I'm back. This trip is like my last all out fun thingum to do before I get down to the grind. Gonna haveta start on my plans to study music already, and YEAH it's gonna be a helluva tough time. Hopefully I don't end up on the streets or something uh =s

With faith like a child.

Unreal

2008-05-21T10:23:00.002+08:00

I will be flying off this Sunday, IT'S SO TOTALLY UNREAL. Like going to Shanghai wow, i honestly never really thought I'd go there given my lousy chinese and all haha. WELL I guess it's something new yeah, and I'll be going with friends, another new thing to me. I'm actually more worried about what clothes to bring hm... OH OH my dad got me a new drum stick bag and to new pairs of sticks! YEAH WOOHOO! I'm so totally easily contented, which is a good thing I guess? Having practices tonight, tomorrow and the day after, always fun when we start to go off track and jam, I MISS the jammings man. That's about all for now uh huh, still can't believe I'll be off soon man!

With faith like a child.

Bah

2008-05-19T16:44:00.000+08:00

BAAAHHHH~ I'm ok already and yeah i'm weird! =x

With faith like a child.

The Pig

2008-05-19T02:48:00.002+08:00

The Pig (Anorexia album) by Showbread

Whisper something to me so I can hear your voice
I'm pushing you away, my will be done, it is my choice
You sing to me in inky black with tendrils flailing wildly
Yet I remain in solid stone, no force on earth will move me

Why does it seem that all is slipping further from me?
I build and build and reaching up my arms can not reach anything
Give me something, anything
Why is it bleak and barren
Don't I deserve the world after building building building?
You dangle happiness before me yet keep it out of reach
My well is dry and still I try to fill it up I seek and seek and seek
Nothing lasts except the empty swallowing my soul
But I will rise above this world and I will fill my holes

My heart and soul belong to me, I am my own
My own my own

I am a fire
I eat the world and defecate the shell

Emo Withdrawal

2008-05-19T02:33:00.002+08:00

Okay it's official, I'm having emo withdrawal, so STAY THE HELL AWAY. I'm tired of giving a damn about people, seriously whatever man don't wanna waste my time.

SMTC (Seasonal Music Taste Change)

2008-05-15T11:59:00.002+08:00

Okkkaaayyyy so I'm finally gonna have an update. Been lazy sitting on my ass playing my guitar and bumming around all day. But since I have SOOO much free time, thought I'd just add a new post yups!

I kinda realize my blog is kinda hard on the eyes, like my font size might be a lil too small. Hm... gonna haveta take a look and see how to fix that later. And we all know what later means =P

Annnyyyways, back to the topic, YES I am having my SMTC. I think my jazz and british rock/indie/alternative season is ending, and I'm entering my emo/screamo/hardcore/post-hardcore/metal/whatever other noisy genre season. Which would have meant me going all emo in the past, but naaarrr not happening now haha. Guess it has to do with all the new stuff coming out, like Showbread and From First To Last, I so needa get a double pedal and start practising man.

On a sidenote, all my birthday celebration stuff was quite good, like just chilling and having good food most of the time haha. AND I got a HUGE cheese cake for my birthday! Well it came late but still YAY! I was thinking drats, I'm reaching the age I don't get cakes anymore uh so yeah was nice. And Shanghai is coming soon woohoo!

With faith like a child.

OFFICIALLY 22!

2008-05-09T01:42:00.003+08:00

YUP i'm officially 22! MAANNN so weird, i don't really feel older, and i still look SO young tsk =/ Anyhows, i spent the last day at 21 with nice friends xD Ate dinner and watched Iron Man for the second time. Not like it's that great but you know, was there more for the company ANNDDD I did see the part at the ending WOOHOO that was cool! But yeah, lifes been pretty gd lately, made quite a few cool new friends. Real nice people and best of all they all live nearby! So yeah, sadly I don't really know what exactly I'm gonna do later on my actual day of my birthday haha. My CG isn't free so yeeaahhh, just gonna make things up as I go along haha. Well that's about all for now I think, still too happy about it being my birthday to really think, not much being processed at the moment haha.

With faith like a child.

I Wish...

2008-04-18T02:11:00.003+08:00

I was Black. Uh huh for real and it's not some racist joke or anything. Like Black jazz musicians are AWESOME. They got the soul and the mad skills man no kidding. Just watching them do their stuff is amazing. Been watching clips on youtube of like jazz players, are these guys even human? Especially the bass players, like Marcus Miller and Victor Wooten, I'd kill to be able to play like that. It's like I wanna say 'WOW I'm gonna try and be like that someday!', but MAN it seems impossible. But ain't gonna be discouraged no, I'm just gonna keep working at it and see how far I can go yeah.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm plain crazy, ya know to try and do music, ESPECIALLY here in paper crazy Singapore. But hell I can't think of anything else I could do. And it's not cause I'm not good at anything else but more like music is more than a passion yeah. People who know my music listening habits will know I NEVER go anywhere without music. It's like 24 hours music for me. AND even if I happen to not have anything to listen to around me (It happens okay!), there'll be music playing in my head. Cool thing is I don't really get songs like really STUCK in my head, and sometimes I'll just come out with tunes of my own and stuff. I think I listen to way too much stuff to get anything REALLY stuck in my head. I think it's safe to say all the music I listen and have listened to has knocked out all the rubbish I learnt in school =P But yeah, I think my love for music goes beyond obsession. Like I'm more or less willing to forgo relationship stuff nonsense to go for music. I'm so ready to be some crazy dude who stays alone in his house playing music all day =s

Talking about love, I always find it ironic how people will tell me how I'd make a good boyfriend and all that stuff. I mean I've never been one before so yeah? And if I'm suppose to be that good how come I'm still single uh? *scratches head* But all in His time yeah, probably not time yet, OR it might not be what I'm meant for. I don't know if I've mentioned it before but I kinda told God some time in the past that if it was His will I'd stay single and serve Him all my life. And well, I honestly don't know if it's gonna happen, does seem to be so though. But yeah, I'm preparing for it just in case. If I do meet someone it'll be a real nice surprise right? ;P

On a side note I think I need more friends. My lack of friends has diminished my social skills to the point of me being dead boring sometimes. I guess part of the reason behind that is the fact I already don't have much of a life. Besides my music that is. And yeah, there aren't that many music freaks like me out there soooo you get the picture. And the problem is I don't like talking to guys too much cause well, guys are boring. (And yeah I am one of them I know.) And army has kinda crippled all social skills relating to gals. And well, the fact I'm pretty much more sensitive and girly myself doesn't really help. Cause when I'm kinda shy myself like DUH ain't gonna be much of a conversation. I am quite proud of my feminine side (Screw macho-ism and MCPs.), but yeah, I AM still very much a guy so I gotta act more like it sometimes I guess? Maybe it's a mid-life crisis kinda thing, but I really feel all girly-like sometimes, wanting to skip around and stuff. (I KNOW that is SO weird.) Thank goodness nobody reads the stuff I write here, and even if anyone did I wouldn't really care =s Well whatever, I'm me and I love being me so yeah, whatever man =P

P.S. - I know I'm not really making a whole lotta sense, I'm guessing it's cause I'm kinda bored ooorrrr the side of me I usually try and keep down is kinda taking control so bear with it ya'all ;s

With faith like a child.

Guess It's Been Awhile

2008-04-16T01:07:00.002+08:00

Okay maybe that was an understatement it's been a LONG time. But well, I never really thought I'd be blogging again so yeah, surprises for everyone uh =P So here I am again, after like more than a year hm... I guess a lot has changed.

I'm more or less over the whole emo thing, and yeah, about time right. I know like around five years of it was WAY too much. I still do listen to the music though, but yeah, over the whole feeling depressed about myself thingy. Army is over, weird though cause I kinda miss it, especially my pals there. But well, I'm a free man now woohoo!

The West Wing omigosh, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I mean yeah, getting paid to play HELLO, that's any musician's dream. But wow was it draining, not really complaining though cause it was LOADS of fun. I am SO gonna miss all the nice people there sigh... No chance of me going NUS and doing Theatre Studies either cause well, I'm on the music path =P And I'm actually gonna miss the place, like the corner where all the instruments were gosh, it was really like a second home. Besides missing everyone I am also having SEVERE band playing withdrawal. And well, I don't have a drumset at home anymore so yeah... I'm so not used to no more drums for now. I think I will continue my acoustic band thingy, hopefully I can find nice people to form a band with.

So after The West Wing I'm bumming, like cool so totally expected right. I think I'm too chilled out really, like I don't really feel a rush for anything, even though I know I'm not getting any younger. But well it's just so not my style to rush stuff and get all anxious. I sorta have a plan (That's more or less how I work, I like to work things out along the way.); which is to like work part-time and do music classes, get my gradings for theory and whatever else to get ready to go NAFA or Lasalle next time. I'm leaning more towards NAFA cause they have like a music teaching course which to me is more what I wanna do. I mean this is Singapore, I think I can forget about being a professional musician living off only what I earn from the music I play. So yeah, I'm aiming to at least be qualified to be a music teacher, so I'll have at least a decent income to depend on.

Hm... let me see what else there is to say. Love life wise um... nothing much going on as usual, I'm gonna be 22 in roughly a month's time and I still have my first kiss woohoo! Quite an accomplishment don't you think? ;P But well no hurry for me yeah, I'm sure I'll meet someone eventually, and if I don't well... tough luck uh? =s

With faith like a child.

Flying Off To Australia

2006-11-18T10:12:00.000+08:00

I'll be flying off to australia later on. Feels kinda weird, going to be away from home for like 2 weeks plus. And I'm going with army, so yeah, not exactly a very exciting thing =P Gonna miss a few people, like I was starting to get to know a few people better but now I have to go yeah, but it's totally alright, wouldn't be gone for too long haha. Guess that's all there is to really say, not much in farewells cause well, I don't really have many people to say good byes to. So yups, that's it for now, be back on the 7th of december.

With faith like a child.

Mission Accomplished!

2006-11-05T18:07:00.000+08:00

Haha YES! Mission accomplished! finally got the presented and gave it already haha, WAH yesterday sure gave me a headache =P Like I was running out of time and I had completely NO idea what to get! And then suddenly I had a stroke of genius haha I came up with something yeah! Well you guys don't have to know what it is but I must say I am quite happy about it haha. Didn't get much sleep last night too cause was doing up the card but yups! All worth it, when Jesher gives a present he always tries to give 101% satisfaction! =P

Oh and today I went to chill at Paul's place. Actually, I was sleeping there haha, was tired so like I dosed off after awhile, but yeah, was a good slackey afternoon =)

With faith like a child.

TSK

2006-11-03T01:27:00.000+08:00

TSK! I'm kinda pissed. MY STOMACH PAINS HAVEN'T GONE YET. It's been like four freaking days? ARGHHHHHH! AND like my tag boards is screwed AGAIN, so I just got a new one, so frustrating! I can't wait for next wednesday, seeing a specialist, I REALLY wanna know what's up with my stomach. *grumble grumble grumble* SUCKY STOMACH CRAMPS ARGGGHHHHH...

With faith like a child.

ARGH...

2006-10-31T22:58:00.000+08:00

ARGHHHH... my stomach pains STILL haven't gone away since last night. It's CRAZY! Like the cramps just wouldn't go away GOSH... So yeah, I went to see the doc again. And like she told me to continue taking the med but she'll get me a specialist appointment, if I don't get any better then go see the specialist yups. But seriously this SUCKS, like I'm used to stomach pains yeah but one that hasn't stopped since the day before !?!!?? =/ And all the med I'm taking hasn't done any good TSK, it's nuts. Is it the same for gals when they get PMS? Then I more or less know why they're so agitated and easily angered =x Like I didn't get much sleep last night cause of the stupid pains argh... I don't know how I'm gonna manage tomorrow tsk...

With faith like a child.

Click Click Click

2006-10-31T01:32:00.000+08:00

*Click click click* *Click click click click click* That's the sound of me playing minesweeper in the
office. YES, MINESWEEPER and I'm not kidding. That's how bored I was. And I've been doing
it since like the past week already? So YEAH, I've had one week's experience of minesweeper.
But then, being bored sure beats having a lot of work to do, AND having to stay back just to finish
it. So yeah, I'm not complaining about it.

My stomach problems are back AGAIN SIGH... really feeling like crap now. Really hope it goes
away soon cause it really sucks =l And like it's really getting worse now argh... I don't know how
I'm gonna sleep tonight =( Someone save me~ I really admire women now, like they go through
PMS and stuff, which is probably a lil bit similar (The doc gave me cram med cause YES I do get
crams but NO, NOT THAT KIND), but maybe they get it a lot more often? (Or maybe not, my
stomach seems screwed most of the time =s) Maybe I should see the doc again tomorrow hm...

AND SOMEONE is really too much, AIYOOOOO, don't know what to say also. Gonna be scratching
my head for the next few days to come up with something, SOMEONE better appreciate it okay!

With faith like a child.

Updates

2006-10-28T03:02:00.000+08:00

Well I haven't blogged for quite some time but SOMEONE wanted to see my blog so yeah, I had to updated everything just for SOMEONE =x Haha but it's alright yeah, like I took my time to update everything and I did feel it was about time to change stuff a bit so yeah =) Anways, heres an update of what's been going on:

Army - Hm... life has been good the past few weeks, my evil boss isn't around so it's quite slack now =D And like I get to go back close to on time more nowadays yeah, really is great =)

Godsrockers - At the moment, I'm not doing anything for Godsrockers, and probably wouldn't for quite some time more, I'll think about it again next year. But I feel like it's time I took a step back and yeah, move on to something else. They're doing fine without me, and I have a lot of things I want to do music-wise (eg. solo projects) so it's better I don't commit myself too much to Godsrockers now.

Life - Paul's going for field camp this week =( Which means I have no one to hang out with this weekend sigh... But I really wish him all the best, hope his field camp isn't too bad =P And gosh, I've been watching too much korean romantic comedy serials, kind of puts you in a mushy awww~ mood shucks. And I'm like not feeling too well now, have some bad tummyaches ARGH, my gastric is back AND I have a bit of constipation too so its quite a bad combo. The doc gave me quite a bit of med, even med for crams. (YES I KNOW, that just sounds so weird for a guy right!) But the med doesn't seem to be having much of an effect now so yeah, just gonna continue taking it and see how it's like tomorrow.

Music - AFMB is kind of at a standstill at the moment, haven't really been doing too much yeah. Working on 2 songs at the moment, but don't think they'll be done anytime soon, like not quite happy about how it sounds yet. I'm actually waiting for next year, like I'll have formal guitar lessons then I'll be able to do better songs, cause at the moment I can't really play the stuff I think up in my head, so it's like I have all the creativity but not enough technique and skill to do it yet =P And I'm totally broke from buying too many CDs. I REALLY CAN'T HELP IT! Gosh and Trumpet Praise has to have some special offer for members, like I'll get and additional 15% discount besides the 12% I already get that's like SO MUCH. So yeah, I got tempted and bought 2 CDs today, to add to like another 6 i bought this month already? =x I REALLY gotta learn to control haha. I bet it wouldn't be long before my CD collection reaches the 300 mark gosh...

Well, that's about all for now, so yeah, may be I'll be back to give more updates again soon, but that really depends on my mood =P

With faith like a child.

Interesting Things Ahead =)

2006-10-08T22:55:00.000+08:00

Well it's another posting after like forever haha, for the moment I'm just not gonna think too much about youth min and stuff, I'll wait till next year before I make a decision about it, but I can say that the signs I pointing at an exit so yeah, just gonna wait and see. So anyway, I'm really excited about a new project I'm starting called AFMB (Acoustics From My Bedroom). No prizes for guessing why it's called that =P I'm gonna try and do an 'album' and yeah, it's gonna be real interesting and fun! Like I have a concept and ideas already, and yeah, gonna start writing songs and material for it soon. I'm just going to record it like really amateur style, but that's not the important thing yeah, I'm just so excited about doing something that I really like. So yeah, stay tuned for more, I may put up some songs that I do here and stuff, then when I get the full thing done I'll send it to people and stuff, really is so exciting =P

With faith like a child.

Thoughts

2006-09-21T01:04:00.000+08:00

Well yeah, I'm back with another posting again haha. Been lazy to update this thing gosh, I hardly even bother to really talk to people anymore so like yeah, anything here is just purely for 'thinking aloud'. I think I'm gonna 'retire' from youth min already. Strange I never thought I'd do this, but somehow I feel like my time there is up yeah, I've done what I could already and I should be moving on now. And I've been thinking about stuff, like it's not really necessary for me to just write worship songs to honour God, like I can do the same writing other songs. Like songs to inspire, encourage, and so on, He can work through songs like that too yeah. I don't like to be limited, I think music for God can be pushed beyond the current boundaries and yeah, there's more that can be done to reach more people. Music is a very powerful medium, and I know there's a lot I can do with it. Stange how at the moment my life seems really quiet, guess it's one of those quieter moments. And yeah, struggling with stuff quietly, trying to sort it out, but I know it'll be alright, and yeah, when it's over things are gonna be a lot better. It helps to know that I'm not going to live a simple life, and that God has great plans for me so all of this isn't for nothing, it'll help me somehow in the future. I feel like someone on a mission, like I have great things to achieve and it does help me to focus a bit more, and drives me on somemore. Thank God for it or I wouldn't know how to survive, being alone most of the time. I'd probably have gone mad a long time ago if it wasn't for all of this. But yeah, I've really adjusted to things well, I'm happily going through each day by myself now, waiting to see what happens next yups.

With faith like a child.

So Unpredictable

2006-08-26T23:36:00.000+08:00

I am oh so unpredictable, impossible to guess emotionally. Maybe cause I'm so numbed by everything I can control my own emotions, and nothing really takes me by surprise anymore. Human love is so infutile, what's the point of everyone chasing this illusion? What people call love today is a sick twisted meaningless hunt to make themselves feel whole again, a void searching for another void to fill itself up with. It's lost all it's innocence, all it's purity, and become and silly excuse for a reason to exist. I wonder how many people out there like me still try to believe in real love and hold on to it. People like me who just get used and hurt by other people, but still refuse to blame anyone for it. People who still believe in pure love, and have absolute faith and trust for those they love. A part of me still believes it, but a bigger part of me is telling me to give up. Such love can't exist anymore, replaced by commercialized, self-centred meaningless 'love'. The kind of 'love' I'd gladly give up on, and until someone proves to me real love can happen, I'll never try again. Until God makes love happen, I will give up on this 'love'.

On the outside I look alright, in fact sometimes I do feel alright. But it's not because everything's okay, it's because I choose to feel that way. What are emotions? When you've experienced so much extremes like I have, you just become numbed to it. I can't cry anymore. And it's not because I don't want to but I can't. I want to cry, I want to let it out, but somehow it isn't really there and I just can't shed a tear. It doesn't matter anymore, I don't really care already, it's all just meaningless, meaningless emotions. I get flashes of anger, of happiness and wonder, but it all fades in the end, it all means nothing. All I'm really left with is a persistant tinge of sadness, part of my love for the melodramatic. I am sad because I choose to be, because I love it, gives me feelings more powerful than anything 'love' could give and makes me feel alive. This is really an unhealthy obsession, and it really is up to me, because I can make myself stop this nonsense if I want to, God please give me a reason to stop it.

And I really do feel like leaving CMC, or at least leaving youth min already. I've toiled and worked hard in youth min but look where it is now? Nowhere, not even close to what it should. It's so fake, there's no love and everyone is so selfish. I feel like God is just gonna pass them by already cause He's had enough of this nonsense, I know I have. But all the same I feel that He want's to give them a last chance too, and I really want to do it, I really am trying to. But it's so hard when what you'll worked so hard for ends up hurting you more than anything, and it feels like you're just slaving and toiling for nothing. When will youth min wake up, when will they really start to love?

You can see from what I've said so far love is a real big issue for me, and now more than ever it really hits me. This world has twisted it so drastically to suit it's own desires, and nothing is going to change until we make it right again. God is love, and nothing is going to happen until we let true love show. It is the spark to change the world, it is the start of better things, yet it is the one thing people lack the most. I am trying, really trying to bring the hope of real love to this world, and God knows I can't do it by myself, so I am praying, praying for strength to carry on cause it just gets so tiring. But I know I can't give up, I can't go back to what I used to be. There was no turning back the moment I chose this path, the moment I gave up my whole existence to God. And somewhere along the road I chose to give up on relationships and be God's only, something I feel a bit of regret for yet what's done is done. Even though some part of me believes I can still find true love, I have already decided to give up this meaningless search, to just let go. And that's why I feel so empty, that's why I'm feeling numb again. I've been trying to find love, trying to find another way to live, but it's impossible when you've given up everything to God already, nothing can ever fill up the hole that God already filled up, and making it empty again just means another silly chase back to square one, ending right where I started it. This is the life I chose and there's no backing out, nothing can ever change it and I have to find my way back again.

With faith like a child.

Back =)

2006-08-13T00:23:00.000+08:00

Haha, man I haven't done a proper posting in AGES. So yeah, here I am back again, like I've had quite a long break and had plenty of time to do this earlier but well, got lazy =P So here I am finally getting down to doing a proper post yup yup, I don't know why I just don't like the feeling of just leaving my blog alone for such a long time haha. So yups, it's all revamped and stuff again, although like I'm thinking about changing stuff again, kinda more in a groovin' mood now haha.

So anyways, I guess things really are quite cool now. Like camp is really kinda fun and VERY slack haha, so yeah, no complains about that. Have quite a few good pals there to which yeah, just makes it great. As for other stuff hm... like I really haven't been going to church for a LONG time cause of weekend duties, so yeah, really glad to be able to go later on. And yesterday's Planetshakers concert was great! Was nice being with church people again. And gosh, the message was kinda cool, like could relate with my current situation so yeah, was good =) I really have to say God has blessed me A LOT, it's just beyond what I could expect and even beyond what I know, Like i think there's a lot more that's going on that I just don't know about. So yeah, it's good to be back home for awhile, really am glad to see everyone again =)

With faith like a child.

It's Been Awhile

2006-07-16T00:24:00.000+08:00

Gosh it really has been awhile since I last posted anything, and probably no one checks this place out anymore haha. But yeah, things sure are different now gosh, like in camp and stuff, and with my medical condition getting worse. My specialist says I'm reaching the stage where even walking is going to be a problem, gosh that is scary. But well, whatever comes I'll accept it, God's still watching out for me after all and I know He still will so yeah =)

With faith like a child.

Changing

2006-06-12T23:18:00.000+08:00

You know what, I think I'm really changing. I'm really don't feel like I'm anything I used to be, I actually feel older, and I thought that wouldn't happen anytime soon. But I really do feel like gosh, I really am old now, and you know, I think I'm becoming a lil dull too. And a whole lot lonelier, like if I thought I felt lonely last time haha, that's nothing man, but strangely enough I have no problems with it now, I just accept it. Maybe I'm just too tired to be bothered, maybe I just don't care anymore, but yeah, it doesn't bug me anymore I don't really have many friends. I love staying home, I love all my music, and honestly that's more or less enough for me already. I haven't like talked to anyone and shared stuff for ages, and it seems fine to just keep it all inside me now. I'd probably not even talk to people if they ask me anymore, and yeah, that's a big if. So that's my life for you, don't really have much to say about it too, just yeah, getting by a day at a time. Here's good bye to the old me, if I'm forunate enough you may be able to come back again.

With faith like a child.

Fading Away?

2006-05-14T13:33:00.000+08:00

Sigh, been having a weird feeling I've been trying to shake away but it just sticks. It's weird, like I really feel like I don't belong in CMC anymore. I feel so drifted and far apart from everyone, it's like I'm just fading away. I've never really felt so invisible before it's strange, and I'm seriously wondering if my time here is ending, like maybe it's time I moved on to somewhere else. It just feels so empty, like I go to church for the sole reason of serving and trying to get closer to God. Which is a lot and very good mind you, but like besides that I do feel quite lonely. My church friends used to be the most important people to me, now I don't really seem to know anyone anymore, I'm a nobody just quietly watching. I hate this stupid feeling lonely thing, and I hate having to depend on people to not feel lonely. Everyone's too busy to always be there, everyone's got their own life's to live, there has to be a way to carry on living alone. I know I should just depend on God, but sometimes you just really wish there was someone else you could also talk to. I really hope this gets sorted out soon, all I can really do now is just pray about it yups.

And on another thing I'm feeling a little down. My birthday this year really wasn't very nice, like I think no one remembered except those who were reminded in someway or another (And a few angels who actually managed to remember by themselves). It's the first time in my life I didn't have a birthday cake, and I didn't get any presents (Which is perfectly fine I always hardly get any). But yeah, I just hate this feeling of like being forgotten, and I know it's no one's fault but it's still there. Sigh... and when I think about my future haha, I just make up my mind not to think about it anymore. It's really not in my hands anymore, like really what happens all depends on God now. I can't think about stuff like getting into a relationship and all that kinda stuff, like my life is gonna be anything but stable and yeah, it's really up to what God has planned for me already. Confusing isn't it my life, and the way I am, oh well prayer can do wonders so yups, waiting for things to get better.

Trying to sort things out,
And end this lonely emptiness,
With faith like a child.

Quiet

2006-05-07T14:02:00.000+08:00

Hm... it seems like it's been a very quiet weekend. Besides practise yesterday and playing today there really isn't much left to say about my weekend. Just feels kinda weird, being alone most of my weekend, kinda feel a little lonely but it's alright. Oh and it's my birthday this tuesday, but hm... no one really seems to know about it haha. It's alright really, will probably just pass me by soon yups, I guess it wasn't really a very good weekend, but it'll do yups =)

With faith like a child.

Field Camp Is Over!

2006-05-01T11:20:00.000+08:00

Haha YES! My field camp is over, I'm so happy! It really wasn't too bad yeah, quite an interesting time I must say. But then, my weekend wasn't really all that great so yeah =( Like I got out on saturday so yeah, went to chill at Paul's place, wasn't to bad except for the fact I'm sick now =l So like yeah, I was really not feeling to good at all. And then I missed church yesterday shucks... went to see the doctor so yeah, at least I managed to watch a movie with Paul at night and did a bit of shopping =) And now it's monday, a few hours later I'll be getting ready to go back it gosh... it seems to be so fast... But at least this week isn't too bad, like I get to go out on friday night cause of elections on saturday so yeah, short week in camp this week =D That's about all I guess, haven't really been talking to people outside much but it's alright, like I'm in army after all =P

With faith like a child.

And One More Thing

2006-04-16T15:43:00.000+08:00

Haha and oh, one more thing to add, I must say yesterdays praise section for Risen 06 was good! Yeah really loved it, and I'm so happy for you Salene! I told you it'd eventually come haha =P Gosh I'm really gonna miss worship, sermon and everything while I'm gone... Oh yeah and guys pray for me okay, that I'll recover fast and stay healthy, like I don't really wanna fall sick while in army =s

With faith like a child.

Hm...

2006-04-16T15:29:00.000+08:00

Hm... I think I know what I should do already. Like I told my dad about me considering signing on and he told me like I already have my plans to study music and all that so why should I change my mind. And yeah it's true, like he said I already have my calling why go and check out other stuff, and the more I thought about it the more I felt like yeah, I shouldn't even be thinking about all this. I still have God's great plan for me, even though I don't know exactly what now haha, but yups it's far better than anything else I could do and I'm going to keep to that. Oh and everyone I'll be gone for field camp this coming friday, so I wouldn't be back till the week after that yeah. Gonna miss everyone... like this weekend didn't really get to hang out with all of you much cause you all were busy with easter stuff and all, but it's okay yeah, see you guys again in 2 weeks =)

With faith like a child.

At The Crossroads Once Again

2006-04-15T00:21:00.000+08:00

Once again I'm at the crossroads, with different paths stretching out ahead of me. Should I sign on for the army? Or the navy or air force, or should I just not sign on for anything and just see what happens? There's just so many possibilities now, but at the same time I feel that may be army isn't for me, I still have dreams of playing music for God full-time. Actually it's more then a dream, it's the one thing I think about that seems to really be right. So yeah, tough decisions for me, and I really don't know what to do, still praying about it, I really hope I don't make the wrong decision =s

With faith like a child.

Yawn

2006-04-02T17:05:00.000+08:00

Wah, my second bookout seems WAY too short haha. Like yesterday I bookout then I went home for awhile. Then I went to church for practise. Stayed for movie night awhile then when orchard with Paul where I bought 2 CDs and watched a movie then went home after that. So yeah, didn't get quite as much sleep as I would have wanted haha, but at least today I managed to take a 1 hour nap so yups, not too bad =) It's a good thing I have nice buddies in camp, cause like gosh, I really don't have many people outside to talk to =s Kinda sad I don't really have any gal pals to talk to also haha, but it's okay! I'm still straight =x Well its back to that little island soon so yups, cya guys =)

With faith like a child.

Back From Tekong!

2006-03-25T10:14:00.000+08:00

Yay! Back for the weekends haha, been so long since I've been home again =P Body aches all over gosh, but it's alright, still alive and breathing haha. Yeah, it isn't too bad really, think I can adjust to it, probably the only thing is I miss a lot of people =( But it's okay, now that the first two weeks are over I'd probably be able see everyone during the weekends more =) Yup yup, nothing much to say really, just enjoying being at home again =D

With faith like a child.

Off I Go To Army =P

2006-03-11T00:02:00.000+08:00

Haha, as expected yeah, here's my pre-enlistment post! =P Yup yup, I'll be going in tomorrow (later on today if you want to be exact =s) And gosh, all I can say is I have mixed feelings =P Like part of me is very nervous and stuff, like you know how you feel before going into a new school haha, the other part is so excited cause like its the next phase of my life and yeah! So much stuff gonna happen. But most importantly it's the chance to make more friends that I have been praying for, and not just christian friends but non-christian ones cause yeah! I really wanna let more people know bout Jesus =) And you know, it's like the time for me to think about my future and ask God what my next step should be yeah, exciting yet scary at the same time =P

But it's a human thing right, to be scared of the unknown. Well I'm not really that scared at the same time, haha such a contradiction, but you know, what I don't know God knows! And He'll be watching over me and keeping me safe all the time =) And I have gone through quite a lot in my life already, so yeah, I know God isn't going to be easy on me cause He really wants to build me up to be a strong man for Him, and I wouldn't go down I'll be a fighter and presevere for Him all the way =D It's one thing I've always prayed for, that God would make me stronger everyday, and yeah, I know I will be at the end of this.

And I guess the other thing bugging me was like I wouldn't be able to serve in church as much as I use too. And it's so weird you know, cause I kinda devoted everything to serving, like it's always been my first priority, and you know, I think now that will be limited. But haha, when I look at it again, who says I can't continue serving IN army! =P Yeah, I can like try and bring more people to God and you know, serve in any way I can in army =)

And finally, today was great! Haha yeah, isn't it amazing how like the pizza party was planned for today and Wei Jun's birthday happened to be around at the same time? Like just before I go in I get to meet up with all of them how cool is that! Like it's quite cool already that the pizza party was on this day, and like cause of Wei Jun's birthday the older guys were around, wah, like normally I wouldn't have them around before I go in =P So tonight was really nice, like everyone prayed for me awwwww... THANKS! Really meant a lot to me, like wah, I know so many people will be praying for me and stuff so nice to know =) Thank you everyone! I love you guys! Can't wait to see you all again when I come back, and while some parts of me may change and stuff, I'll always be me, the little child who runs after God, the silly boy innocent yet knowledgeable, forever Jesher just as nice, just the same always =) That's the part of me nothing will ever change, it's what makes me me, it's what God wants me to be, it's what sets me apart as who I am and the base that God builds on. So guys don't worry that I may get bad influence and stuff, I'm gonna stand firm and be that light in my army camp, it's what I've always believed in anyway, to let people see the Jesus in you and make them want to know about Jesus just by looking at you. I'll really miss everyone, especially everyone in Godsrockers and CAM (Now known as PassionArt!), you guys really mean a lot to me yeah, but well I'll be back! In two weeks yup! So I'll cya all soon! Don't worry I'll take care you guys take care too okay! And Easter people don't worry! I'll be praying for you guys I really can't wait to see the mini-musical =) So yups, thats good bye for know bye everyone!

With faith like a child,
I enter a new phase in my life.
Not knowing what the future holds,
But secure in the knowledge GOD KNOWS! =)

Nice Start To My Last Week Of Freedom =P

2006-03-06T23:49:00.000+08:00

I had a decent start to my last week of freedom, bought a new cap yay! Been wanting to get one for quite awhile and I think it's quite nice yeah. And watched Munich with my CG mates (well make that the guys really =P) and yeah, it was a good movie =) Well there'll be meeting for easter script tomorrow (yay out again!) and then wednesday I'll be home. Thursday probably going out with my family, it's my dad's day off, and yeah, friday CAM pizza party and my last time out with friends before I go in haha. So yeah, that's my week, oh yeah and I'm gonna go shave my hair off like real soon, maybe tuesday or wednesday, get a feel for it first yeah, actually now it's down to it, I don't mind it at all =P I'm actually quite excited about it =x Like you know, my hair gets a lil irritating sometimes, and yeah, gets a lil warm up there, so yeah, all ready for a new cooling experience =P I'm actually looking forward to army haha, MAN i'm crazy =s

With faith like a child.

My Life

2006-02-28T23:52:00.000+08:00

Haha, what a strange title for a posting isn't it? Well yeah, I've just been thinking what my life feels like. It's so weird and unreal, I almost feel like I'm forever in a dream haha. I haven't really felt down or anything for ages, and that feels weird. But I like it! It's good to not feel sad for a change haha. But you know, I think it's something you get when you really commit yourself to God, like maybe there are things I would have felt really miserable about in the past but don't mean so much to me anymore. It's like looking at everything differently, and finding that you know, everything here REALLY doesn't matter! It's what God has in stall for me that really matters, and yeah, it's just so exciting watching things unfold slowly. I'm so happy I quit school, at first I was a bit unsure of it and really wondered if I did the right thing, but now I know FOR SURE, there's nothing I could do here other then serving God, honestly I could never get a normal job and be happy. I guess you can say I'm addicted to serving God, and it's the only thing that can keep me going. And it also means I'm addicted to God haha, and that's definately a good thing! But yeah, really I can't see myself doing anything else other then serving God, although doing exactly what I'm not too sure yet. I'm really hoping it's through music, but you know, I don't want it to be what I want, more like what God wants for me yeah. So I gotta keep praying about it, and just keep chasing after God, to know more about Him every day. And I think it will happen, like the great men of the Bible, God can do great things through me too! It's so encouraging when I read about the the great saints like Moses, David and so many others, how they kept chasing after God and had a close relationship with Him, so much so that they could be open with Him. They could talk with God and He would listen to what they had to say! And He blessed them, and blessed others through them, and yeah, really did so many amazing things through them. And that's what I'll aim for, to hunger and seek Him and pray that He'll use me! So yeah, gosh, thinking back about everything, it really was the right thing to do. I couldn't just continue studying for a meaningless certificate, I would never want to do anything related to it and honestly the past year WAS NOT wasted. I'm sure some people think I must have had a really good time bumming around and stuff, but honestly it was one of the toughest periods in my life and I REALLY REALLY grew alot from it all. I really am a changed man, although people don't really see it that much outside, but inside, I'm free without and sadness and pain anymore, I really have come to understand that God has set me free, and I am living for so much more then what this world has to offer. I have found a joy that lasts forever, the greatest of gifts God has given me =)

With faith like a child,
I pray for more, anticipating the great things You can do.

Excited!

2006-02-26T22:50:00.000+08:00

Haha I really am excited about Easter! I really think it's amazing how God just FLOODS me with ideas all the time, it's so amazing the mind He gave me that can piece all this together, I'm just in awe of what He can do through me haha. And yeah, there's just so much ideas and stuff coming out for the Easter event, it's like GOSH, it's going to be wonderful! Probably one of the biggest productions CMC has ever done as of yet but a very very good work in progress haha. I mean it's such a talented team, and each with their own specialized skills and ideas they can contribute, really adds to an amazing mix that can really do something for God! =) I can't wait for it! Even though like by then I'd be in army already but that isn't all that important compared to this =P

With faith like a child.

IT Will Come For SURE!

2006-02-14T12:37:00.000+08:00

Two years, that's the target I set and I'll be praying for it EVERYDAY. Two years maximum to the release of Godsrockers' new album, one that will turn the whole of Singapore upside down and start bringing back the old glory days of Jesus! Yeah, I'm really dreaming big haha, I want CMC to be like the Planetshakers or Hillsong of Singapore, to be a real becon of light in Asia and to start something really amazing. I feel like using a line to describe this but I'm not going to, cause it's what I hope will eventually be that album's title and I want to keep it under wraps haha =P But yeah, I'm gonna keep dreaming big, and just looking back and seeing how far Godsrockers has gone is encouragement and inspiration enough to press on and believe in bigger things. But yeah, I'm not gonna get carried away, I'm gonna always take time out to pray and ask God for more directions, for where He wants to take this ministry. But I know one things for certain, it isn't gonna just be a normal ministry that just settles for a little, but one that constantly hungers to do more for God! And this I hope will be the prayer for this ministry, to always chase after God, wanting more and more and just living to serve Him, and His people, not just those in our church but also our fellow christians and most importantly the non-believers out there yet to be saved.

With faith like a child,
I hold on to your promises with expectency.

The Air Is Sizzling With Anticipation!

2006-02-13T00:36:00.000+08:00

I'm on a HIGH! Haha yeah man, I haven't slept since yesterday 11am but seriously don't feel like sleeping yet =P Feel like writing more songs! Its SO exciting! Like I feel a real buzz, its time for us to rise! And I keep hearing the Delirious? song Now Is The Time repeating in my head, YEAH! Now is the time for us to shine! Time to make a stand and rise up to God's call! I'm seriously going all out to write new songs for God, like I've been doing research and stuff, like studying the secular bands I listen to and trying to see the technical stuff I can bring over when I do songs. But yeah, I wanna go more in-depth, study the kind of chords they use and stuff, and also go more in-depth in the spiritual stuff, like praying about the songs more and asking God to give me more ideas to use. Beside also looking into the bible to find verses I can use in songs, so yeah! I really am very excited about it all haha, I really do want to see Godsrockers eventually release an album, and for CMC to grow and become an amazing church, to be a light to all of Singapore and Asia! I know I may sound crazy with my huge dreams, but I know anything is possible with God, and I know FOR SURE God has great plans for CMC. So yeah! Time to dream big dreams and work to achieving them, and to pray for, and expect all the crazy wonderful things God can do! And I've never felt so alive before in my life, I know this is what God put in this church, in this particular place with these particular people for, I know there's so much just waiting to happen! And I know on my own I can't do anything, and I don't just need my fellow friends and ministry, but the whole of the church and most importantly God to guide me and enable me to do greater things for Him.

With faith like a child.

Song Writing Fever

2006-02-09T00:01:00.000+08:00

Haha yeah, I've got song writing fever, just keep getting new ideas and stuff I want to try out for songs. But of cause I know it's not because I'm good or anything, heck I don't think my songs are really very good, but you know, its just a lil bit here and there planted by God and yeah, if it sounds good I know its not cause of anything from me haha =P Can't wait for sunday! Yeah, I'm actually able to play and sing a bit, but still not very good at it haha, but yeah, I think may actually be good enough for this saturday. And it really is so exciting, I really hope it inspires the others to want to try new stuff like song writing. And I still have my dreams of a Godsrockers album haha, in time to come! You know it really is my dream to be like a full-time songwriter/musician/singer for God, and I feel like its what may be happening but yeah, still always have to pray for guidance to what I really should do. But isn't it so exciting? Theres so much hope for the future haha, yeah, gosh it really is wonderful to have given up all my cares to God, like you know, haven't felt down for a very long time =P Well that's all for now, sunday is gonna be great!

With faith like a child.

The Mark Of The Masking Tape =x

2006-02-06T01:56:00.000+08:00

Haha man, had another weird accident today, but I wouldn't talk about it too much cause I don't want to embarass someone too much =x It should be alright though yeah, doesn't really hurt but you know, it's just weird =s Haha yeah, the past week has been quite good. Like been spending time on my song writing and stuff, and last night went for the Delirious? concert it was good yeah =D But I'm really excited about this saturday YAY! Like haha yeah, I'm really involved in a lot of the art pieces haha =P But what I'm most excited about are my songs yeah, so exciting! Like its the first time Godsrockers is gonna do their own songs (well it is actually my own songs but you know, I'm part of Godsrockers so its OUR song YEAH!) So yeah, and I really hope me doing this will inspire more of the others to try new stuff like song writing you know, and not just say its so hard and not do anything but give it a shot! And like everyday I just get more ideas for songs its so exciting haha. Seriously I think it might be possible for Godsrockers to release a new album by the end of the year! Haha yeah, my target for Godsrockers is to get an album out in 2 years time, and hopefully it wouldn't all just be songs by kevin and I haha. And the coming week's worship is just gonna be great! Really yeah, its going to be a great weekend =)

With faith like a child.

Quick Update!

2006-02-04T00:46:00.000+08:00

OKAY! Quick update! Think I've got a decent song I'm willing to share already, just a matter of whether or not I want to use it for PassionART yeah. And yeah, things have been going well, feeling fine! Everything is slightly perfect haha, I guess it should be when you're really let God into your life you know, nothing seems to bother you anymore =P

With faith like a child.

Just Some Thoughts

2006-01-24T22:08:00.000+08:00

Hm... was just thinking a bit today. Like I always see people's msn nicks going like how love hurts and all that and you know, valentines isn't really that far away too so yeah I just started thinking about love and all that. I'm glad to say I've got to a point I no longer hold on to wanting to have someone you know, I honestly see nothing wrong with spending the rest of my life unattached. Because I am kind of 'attached' already, attached to God haha, so yeah, it honestly doesn't matter to me anymore, its really up to God if he wants to include one more person in our special relationship. That's what its all about isn't it? Its not just about finding your soulmate, and you know having someone who understands you, listens and talks to you. It's all about having a special relationship together with God, it's so much more meaningful that just having someone around. But yeah, I think that its not really for everyone you know. Some people may choose to just want the exclusive relationship with God and honestly I may be somewhere close to that haha. But I still have that lil romantic side of me that wishes to have someone to share all the wonderful things God has with me. Well at the end of the day, I'm gonna do what I always do, let God decide and just wait and see haha. Yeah, and you know sometimes I feel human love is so meaningless, I mean it could just end anyday and you wouldn't even be able to foresee it, but God's love thats totally different. Because we all know for a fact God's love never ceases, He can never stop loving us and well, His love is probably the only in the world that knows no limits. Just when you think God couldn't possibly love you more than He does WHAM! He can give you a double dose that just knocks you out and leaves you amazed. But well, I think for human relationships like there may be a peak but theres no way it can just keep increasing and maintaining can it? And I guess thats why I got some of the ideas I have for passion art, like you know when you see that there is no ultimate date/lover better than Jesus, everything just fits together nicely. So yeah, people out there who feel lonely, hang in there! Seek God, and you'll find you're not so lonely after all, there is still someone who's always there ;)

With faith like a child.

Sunday Is Over =(

2006-01-22T23:16:00.000+08:00

Haha yeah... sunday is over =( Didn't really get to do much also, but well, I just like sundays =P Yesterday was good too yeah, I really enjoyed the seminars and sermons these past weeks its amazing, like God's really teaching me new things everyday and week haha. Yeah, and I think it's also partly because of something I read, in the book Salene got me for christmas it was like saying a good thing to do before you read the bible is to pray that the Holy Spirit will give new understanding of the scriptures, cause well the bible was created by people who were guided by the Holy Spirit so it stands to reason to understand it you need the Holy Spirit too right? So yeah, I've been making an effort to pray a short prayer for the Holy Spirit to open my eyes, ears, mind and heart to teach me more than I could with my own wisdom. And I've also been making an effort to pray and commit the things I am about to do to God, like all the passion art stuff I don't want to like sit down and try to force ideas out but just pray to God for inspiration and WOW, its amazing I'm having a flood of creativity haha =P And Salene yeahhhhh, I so totally feel it too, the be still thing you were talking about, and I've been trying to do it and see! God really is just letting things flow for me =D So yeah! Don't you worry gal! ^_^ Haha like I just came up with an idea for photography yesterday, really out of nowhere I think God like just planted it in my head haha, then this morning like WOW, so many more ideas just came to mind to expand on it and yeah! I think its going to be really cool haha =D

But I really have to say I really have been blessed the past few weeks, received really good word and I feel like yeah, I've really grown a lot in just the short time haha. Theres no doubt about it, this year is gonna be a big year for CMC! =D Yeah, theres just so much going on in church now and I'm really glad I tried to be around for everything. I like for quite some time I've been feeling very strongly about the unity of the church. And especially respecting and obeying the authorities God put above us yeah. I did some thinking and something struck me, people who say they want to be rebellious because the leadership is bad, etc... are they just rebelling against man? Because ultimately the only person in charge is God, so yeah, if people want to rebel then who are they really rebelling against? Yes we can say we are not of this world and we must not follow the ways of this world but though we are here we belong to a different kingdom all together, so theres no need to rebel against anything. I think God has really given me a deepen lesson on obedience, its so important in this day and age where there are so many 'grey spots', and we sometimes assume doing certain things isn't being disobedient. But I feel there are very clear cut differences between the secular world and the kingdom of God we live in, and these are the things we MUST NOT compromise. Nor should we look at them as possibly part of both worlds, becuase this secular world is corrupt and evil, and nothing of it can possibly be part of God's holy kingdom. And haha, I must say this, God is really filling me up with SOOOO much passion haha, I think someday soon I'll find myself a totally different person, and I'll look back and see what a wonderful change God has done in me haha. Its like for passion art I want to do so much! And God keeps popping ideas in my head haha, but yeah, I don't want to go overboard and get too carried away, cause ultimately its all for God and I cannot claim any credit for it. God gave me my mind, God gave me creativity, God gave me inspiration to look beyond what I normally see and see so much more meaning. So yeah, I really am so excited and happy haha, and I'm gonna keep this going on! I will never let this world get me down, because I'm not part of it, and in God's kingdom, its celebration and praise all day long!

With faith like a child.

Nice Friday! =D

2006-01-21T00:52:00.000+08:00

Haha yeah! Today wasn't too bad, bought a new cd, Try! the live album by the John Mayer Trio, good jazzy stuff, going back to the groove man haha. And like my song has kind of evolved, its beginning to sound latin =s Haha, I seriously don't know if it'll work =P AND YEAH, got more ideas for passion art! BUT for the sake of giving a surprise I wouldn't say it here! Haha, only a few people know so yesh, SHEESHHHH, I rather people find out on the day itself =D But its very much a me thing, like a nice warm thingy haha, I don't know why I just like nice warm stuff, and I wanna be a person who gives people that kind of a feeling haha. And the speaker session today it was AWESOME! Totally spoke to me man thank goodness I went! Like I had no intentions of going, but like somehow I ended up going out with Kevin, meeting up with Salene who was going to church for it and TADA! I was there haha! But really was a VERY good session yeah. I'll post what I've picked up and really spoke to me tomorrow after the second part of the session. And like today I thought a bit about stuff, and you know I remembered my name means upright, and gosh, really got me thinking if I'm worthy of my own name. So YES! I'm aiming to live up to my name haha, literally =P So YEAHHHHHH, good day, good stuff, really excited gosh, what more can I say? =P

With faith like a child.

Excited!

2006-01-19T23:20:00.000+08:00

Haha yeah! I'm excited! About the passion art thingy, like its coming so soon! My poem is kinda done I think, although I'm not too sure =s And I think I have a song, I hope to get it done soon yups! Although its something really different, so yeah, hope I can pull it off, but I really do think this is the one for me haha. Going out tomorrow too, to my old school haha, I hope I don't meet too many ex-schoolmates it'd be weird =s And I'll be going Trumpet Praise too FINALLY! WOOHOO, man I've been waiting very long to go =P

With faith like a child.

Cool Sunday

2006-01-15T23:21:00.000+08:00

Today was quite nice haha, really chilling man. I guess for worship I should have put more heart into it, and I should have slept early last night it just didn't help at all =P And I think sermon was really good today, like everything that was talked about last week gosh, amazing haha. And yeah, just chilled out a lot today, which is cool really haha. And being in a car Salene is driving is a very interesting experience, especially when she's like listening to songs she like and wanting to drink while driving (not alcohol though just a normal drink yeah). And her dad is funny haha. Got a new CD, the Toby Mac remix cd at like $10.90 real value for money man. That's why I love Life Bookshop, sometimes sell the stuff I'd have to get at like double the price elsewhere =P And oh yeah met an ex-classmate there too how cool, honestly never expected it, and like he's been working there for like 1 year? Like omigosh I go to parkway how often and I've only met him after so long haha. Gonna try and keep in contact with him, always nice to meet old friends ^_^

Tomorrow I'm going out for dinner haha yay, should be fun, and tuesday going out again! Gonna drop by Trumpet Praise see if theres anything new, I bet the uncle must be wondering what happened to me, like he'll be asking why I haven't come by for so long, and tell me all the new stuff thats come in haha, really nice fellow, good I got to know him by being a regular customer =P In fact I sometimes get really good discounts, DRATS! I should have gone at christmas time, I remember they gave me A LOT of discount last last year haha, oh well =P But yeah, it feels so weird that I haven't really been buying CDs, gotta get a few more haha. And AHHHH, still working on the song, really don't know how I'm gonna do it, really this has to be an open thingy, like you know flow with the Spirit, when it comes it comes kinda thing yeah. I'm just gonna wait and pray and yeah, if God puts a new song in my heart I'll do it! But if it doesn't come oh well, another time I guess =P

With faith like a child.

Status Report For Next Worship Night

2006-01-10T21:46:00.000+08:00

Got word yesterday about what the current status is for the next worship night. There'll be one worship night for all the music mins in church this feb, but as for the combined with main service worship night, it isn't confirmed yet. So yeah, the youth min worship night has to be put on hold too, will go back to the original planned date of somewhere in April. I was hoping I could help out for one more worship night before I go into army, but its okay! If I don't get to its alright yeah, I mean if I want it to be pushed forward just cause I want to be part of it its wrong isn't it? And yeah, its very important to see where the church is going, and move along with the church as a whole, something I really always try to keep in mind. So yups, if I can't play for the next worship night its okay! I'll have plenty more opportunities after that really, and you know, worship night is all about God anyway so yeah =) I'll do my part by praying for it! ^_^

With faith like a child.

I'll Live For God And Not Myself!

2006-01-09T00:02:00.000+08:00

Haha WOOHOO! =P I'm doing a 180 degree turn around and getting myself out of that crappy situation I always end up in. TIME TO STOP THE NONSENSE haha, and grow out of this 'I'm so lonely no one loves me' crap. I realize there are still a lot of people who care for me, gosh you wonderful people =D And I kind of let one person make me feel really lousy (although the person probably doesn't even know too), which is SO silly! Like GOSH, what am I doing man, I can't let other people affect me like this, the only person who should be allowed to make such a big impact in my life is God! And yeah, I'm really over that whole nonsense already, like I'll just leave it to God (the way I used to do it and still should =P). And yeah, today was a good day!

Of cause for the camp debrief there were quite a few stuff bring said and all and yeah, I didn't like quite a bit of it. But yeah, we all have to love each other, and you know, work things out, theres really so much that can be improved. And I'm going to make it a point to really pray for Nat, I really do see potential in him its just that you know, the environment he grew up in and stuff affects his thinking. And changing mindsets is not something people can really do, its really up to God so I'll pray, and find opportunities to help out in any way. But yeah, found out today there was quite a lot going on during the planning of the whole thing and wow, its really things to think about and pray for the church.

Its just so sad how we always say some negative stuff is 'just CMC culture', and like oh, its normal. I think its really bad that we allow these things to become like common to us, and yeah, it affects how people respond and think about things. Like how CMC youths are a 'clique ministry', so many of the CGs are so inward thinking. Yes its expected that since everyone grew up together they'll be very close, but it really is sad it goes to the extend outsiders don't stand a chance of getting into a CG. And its always like 'hey, that guy looks/talks/seems weird/funny/strange' and people will make fun of them and stuff or say 'oh, he's to different, he can't fit in'. Honestly I feel that CGs should be more open and accepting, but it seems in CMC its like for the happening CGs they are so bonded and together they reject other things, and you know go for what they believe in, or what the feel is right. I think I'll stop on this for awhile, because yeah, its bordering close to 'attacking' certain CGs and I don't want to do that, I want to stay as objective as possible. Honestly my CG isn't very good too, I'll admit, and I haven't been doing much to make any improvements, so yeah, its really something I myself have to work on.

Now on to the lighter things haha, I really am happy for CAM, they are a wonderful ministry and I really want to see them grow. And I think it is happening, CAM has grown through the past year and theres just so much more to expect this year. I just get SOOOO excited talking about this year! Haha yeah, its like there so much planned already, and yeah, I think God is really gonna start something moving and we'll all just be swept away in it.

I REALLY REALLY LOVE Godsrockers haha! Its really my ministry, like I was there from the beginning and watching it grow over the years, it really means so much for me! And I really love all the people in it too, especially Kevin and Jon =D Its like with Kevin we can talk about all our crazy dreams, and all the wonderful things we want to see happen, and yeah, its just amazing how the things we say are like what each other were already thinking about and you know, it just all clicks together. But for myself I want to slow down a bit, and yeah, really pray and ask God to reveal more of what He wants, I don't want to get carried away in all my excitement =P And Jon is really such a wonderful brother, really is like an older brother haha, thanks Jon for being there =)

And today was a wonderful day! Yesterday too but only Salene will know why =P Haha yeah, I felt that worship was good for me, and I really hope it was for everyone else too, all the people jumping =P But yeah, after playing I realized something VERY important, its very easy to let pride get the better of you. For a moment I was thinking like wow, I really did bring the energy level up didn't I? And then I realized what I was thinking and like GOSH, how can I think like that? Its not me that does it, its God through me. Like when I get so energized and I'm really whacking away it sounds good only because its my worship to God, and I just want to rejoice, and God uses that to bless others. Without God its just a whole lot of noise, meaningless sound.

And yeah, it was wonderful hanging out with wveryone haha GOSH, I really love it when like just out with Jon, Kevin, Salene, etc... and you know we just talk about so many things. Like church and stuff, I think its good to like do this, to think about what we can do to help, but also recognising our limitations and we also have to submit to authority, a very important thing to remember. Because yeah, the church moves as a whole, under a common goal and vision, not following what one or a group of people believe. And also knowing that God put people in authority and gave them the discernment and wisdom to decide, and we have to trust in it no matter what we feel. And yeah Salene, its just so exciting right! Haha its so weird how Kevin, you and I just have so many similar ideas its so amazing! Really so excited haha. And I very happy that Jon will be around this year like yeah! He'll get to see all the wonderful things happen and I think he really deserves to, yeah Jon you've put quite a lot into Godsrockers when you've been around and you really deserve to see it really grow, and yeah not just Godsrockers but the whole youth ministry, its just wonderful to have you around for this year of breakthrough.

Haha gosh I'm so excited I've done a mega posting haha, but really its just too much to contain, I'm really so looking forward to everything, and I wouldn't let myself get so down in the dumps again haha.

With faith like a child.

So I Look To You!

2006-01-06T23:16:00.000+08:00

Man I love that song, haha and thats what I'll do! I'll look to God and forget everything else yeah! Because thats what life is all about anyway isn't it? Sure God loves everyone else and we're to do the same too, but yeah, the center of it all is still God, and I will look to him and forget the rest yups!

With faith like a child.

I'll Leave It All Behind

2006-01-05T23:37:00.000+08:00

You know what, screw what I feel, its not that important. Yeah, I mean its really not that important that I don't speak to people at all anymore, I have a lot more important stuff to do. I'm going to just focus on my music, its not my lost people lose me as a friend, and I can live with it. Theres so much ahead for me I'm not going to let all this nonsense hold me back. I don't need any support from people, its all unreliable anyway, its really just me and God. Yups, I'm getting out of this and I wouldn't care about it anymore. Thank God for music =P

Scared And Hanging On For Dear Life

2006-01-03T23:54:00.000+08:00

I'm scared, really scared. Scared I'll lose myself, and there wouldn't be anyone to help me back on track again like last time. I'm going insane honestly, and I'm just trying so hard to put my thoughts in order, and get rid of all the nonsense. It just feels so lousy, to have given so much and gotten nothing in the end, everything I've done here on Earth for other people is all a waste, in the end I stand alone. I remember reading somewhere in the bible before someone was saying how meaningless everything is, and I find it true. Meaningless. Friendships what do they do for you? Take the time be there for people, take the time to get to know them, but in the end, when they don't need you anymore they leave you. Or they eventually lose interest, and you're all alone again. Is man kind so pathetic? That they can never make friendships that will last? I think everything man does is doomed to fail in the start, friendship is meaning less, anything to do with this world is meaningless, all that remains is God. I've given up on friendships, I've given up believing people will actually care, that they'll even take the extra effort when they eventually lose interest. And I've given up trying to be a good friend anymore, I don't want to be used and ignored, to go the extra mile for nothing, I don't want to waste my time anymore. There is no such thing as a close friend to me anymore, everyone is just a 'friend'. I wouldn't pretend to be close anymore, I wouldn't go through the whole charade, and don't come looking for me anymore, I wouldn't be there. I've had enough of meaningless friendships, now I only build one friendship, the only one that lasts and thats the one with God. Yes I'm bitter and hardened, thats what months of silence and loneliness can do to a person.

New Year, Same Problem

2006-01-03T23:23:00.000+08:00

Sigh... its only like the third day of the new year and I'm right smack at square one again. I just can't help but feel like everyones abandoned me, I don't know, seems like no one really cares anymore. And its getting to me, I've written a song about it I may or may not use it for the V Day thingy cause its a very emotional thing. But yeah, isn't it tragic how your friends seem to disappear one by one? But I wouldn't break, I wouldn't lose it again I'll just carry on, struggle on with God by my side. I really wonder why God puts me through all of this, and I really hope to find out why someday.

With faith like a child.

Doing A Song! =D

2006-01-02T16:15:00.000+08:00

Haha yeah! I'm doing a song for the V Day exhibition thingy yay! So exciting! =D Haha yups, real good timing to, gives me something to do and occupy my time haha. School is starting for everyone else =( Means I'll be staying home a lot more than usual oh well! I have my song project to do so its alright haha =P

With faith like a child.

Finally My New Year Posting

2006-01-01T01:49:00.000+08:00

ARGH, my computer just died on me TWICE while I was doing my new year posting, so I'll cut short some stuff and try and get it done fast =l

Haha first of all, I must say last year was great! Even though It was the crappest year so far (had A LOT of really bad moments, I actually got to a point I couldn't cry anymore which is weird for me), I seem to have drifted from a lot of people (gosh I hardly talk to anyone anymore =s) and I really don't know whats going to happen to me in the future (quitting school and stuff). Still, its the year God touched me in a new way, letting me feel His peace and comfort, and also He's thought me a lot about coping with loneliness. I guess my biggest problem last year was dealing with loneliness, I guess I'm the sort of friend who gives a lot but wants a lot in return too so not many people can really click with me, and it really got to me. But now you know, I feel at ease with just God keeping me company, I haven't really talked to anyone for days and its perfectly fine, I still feel at ease and yeah, not upset at all =) And I must say it was a good year for the church too, seeing things happen, and seeing things in youth ministry picking up woohoo! Yeah and God has blessed me with a lot, just amazing how much He loves me =D

And even though it was my loneliest year, I'm VERY VERY happy I got to know Salene better like really she's such a wonderful person! =D Salene I bet you didn't know you helped spark a "mini-revival" in me right? =P But you did! Haha, when I saw how on fire you were for God and CAM I was like WOW, WHAT AM I DOING MAN! It really challenged me to find God again and recapture that spark, to start the fire burning again and talking with you and stuff you know it really rubs off. And its really nice talking to you, like we can be talking about nonsense and suddenly we'll go to a more serious topic and you know, just share views and stuff, really learn a lot and its like just spontanous haha. Its good you didn't get to see too much of my crappy side =x And don't worry! I don't mind when you come and whine reallyyyy, like you're there for me so I'll be there for you too! I'll always be all ears =) And thanks so much for the book! Read a bit of it already and yeah, its good! Haha mannnnnn, I just love you to bits you're such a wonderful sister! *hugs* ^_^

And thanks Aud! You're a wonderful gal too ^_^ You saw my crappy side but still stuck around to try and cheer me up and stuff! Thanks yeah, know you have your own problems too so you can't always be around but its totally alright! I understand yeah? Just like I know I haven't always been around too =s And I'm just so impossible to read sometimes haha =P But yeah, it was nice having you as an AGL, I think i did my best job as a GL last year because I had a good AGL who I could still talk to like you! =D

And lastly theres Godsrockers, probably the most important thing in my life now (right below God that is =P). I love my ministry, really LOVE it, its almost everything to me. I know God has REALLY big plans for it, its so exciting! And all the wonderful people inside gosh... really love them all! Theres all the leaders, Shawn, Kelvin and Lynette, they did a good job last year. And I'll personally like to thank them for the help for Worship Night 2005, they really did help a lot with advice and suggestions.

And then theres Simon MAN, haha I absolutely LOVE playing with him and just talking about stuff. Like he really is a music man, can play so many things its amazing. And like its nice to just talk about ministry and exchange ideas and thoughts, I mean you're more grounded and practical which is good sometimes. Like I know for me theres a risk of getting carried away with things and yeah, its good to have someone to help keep me in check and to really rethink the ideas and thoughts I have. And the way we click with Eugene haha, its so cool! And I think theres a reason for the special 'chemistry', heres to many more years playing for God! Eugene is just another amazing person, he has improved at bass like how freaking fast! And he is like one of the more 'free-flow' players like me and Simon which is just wonderful, yeah God has really bless Godsrockers.

And of cause I can't leave out Kevin da man =P Haha it encourages me when I see him get excited for God, and it drives me on too, really just so excited about what is to come cause I see so much God can do. And it really is awesome watching him grow up through the years, how He slowly became more open to Go. Like last time you probably thought I was nuts and would joke about it and stuff when I was laughing after or during worship right? But now you know a lot and understand its more than just laughing haha. Heres to many more years rocking for God together! And to the day we release our first Godsrockers album! =P After we perform at Sonicfest of cause haha.

So whats ahead for the new year? I've got promises I have to keep with God, some really personal I wouldn't put here, but a few others yeah I don't mind people knowing:

1. Evangalism, I want to do something to bring people into church, I don't know what it is yet but I definately want to try. There was a quote by Bishop Graham Cray in the book Passion For You Name by Tim Hughes (the book Salene gave me! =D) which goes, "Worship without mission is self-indulgent. Mission without worship is self-defeating." And I think its very true, mission is a part of worship as much as music, reading the bible, or anything we do is, everything we do we should do for God as an act of worship. And missions is something definately missing in my life.

2. Better direction on what I'm suppose to do in the future. I talked to my dad today about wanting to go full-time and stuff and he really gave me a lot of food for thought, really have a lot to consider and most importantly, I have to be sure its what God wants.

3. To be able to maintain a healthy lifestyle of worship even though I'll be in army. This is very important to me, I don't want to backslide or try to 'fit in' by conforming to the norms of the outside world. Yes I will be nice and try and talk and get to know people, but no I wouldn't become them to do that, I wouldn't compromise on my beliefs.

4. More discipline to practise/study my music, whatever the case I know I want to do something music, its just whether or not its in church. But I think i need more discipline to spend more time on it, a dedication of worship to God to try and master my craft, the gifts God gave me to glorify Him.

5. What I try but haven't been able to do so far and probably will be harder next year, do regular quiet time. I don't open my bible often enough, that much I know myself, and I can't claim to know God intimately if I don't even spend time with Him. So I'm going to keep trying until I get it right, and I want it to happen this year.

Yups thats about it for now, and just a little bit of extra, I found last nights sermon interesting. Like I've always known I'm favoured by God but I think I kind of took it for granted. So yeah, just now I was like thinking gosh, I am a favoured son of God I'm very special, not because of who I am or what I can do but just because God loves me in a very special way. And it really makes me realise how much I've taken God for granted, I just want to try and make up for it all, give back as much as I can. Even though I know like no matter how much I give it'll be nothing compared to what He could give, but still I'll give my all and yeah, try as hard as I can for Him. And I really don't want to lose this favour God has for me. I want to be God's favoured son forever, its really nice how He always appears to me like a kind-hearted father who'll always relent in the end and let me have my way, and I really have become quite spoiled, its about time I started being more obedient. And I really am going to try and gain more favour from God, yeah, I want to be someone really special for Him, and thats going to be one of my biggest goals for my whole life, not just this year. I want to forever be God's favoured child =)

With faith like a child.

Darn I'm Sick =l

2005-12-29T11:51:00.000+08:00

Haha drats, I managed to make myself sick =s Tuesday and yesterday was crazy, like after the jamming on tuesday ate then went to stay over at simon's place and yesterday instead of going home went out with them again to watch narnia again =P Well its alright really, I don't imagine I'll be going out much after this week, like everyone will be busy or not around so I'll be staying home a lot again haha, the problem of having very little friends to hang out with =P well its been a nice month, yeah, now I shall go rest or something =)

With faith like a child.

Wah What A Fast Christmas

2005-12-26T14:25:00.000+08:00

Haha WOW, its crazy, the whole of christmas just passed me by! It went by SO fast! Well the night before christmas eve didn't really sleep cause was busy with presents, most of christmas eve too, and sunday was just too tired like was stoned the whole day haha! =P But yeah I had fun, choir was good haha, I really do love singing so much. And now I got Godsrockers jamming sessions to prepare YES! I so love Godsrockers, love the ministry to bits haha! Its nice to see more response picking up too, yeah, bet it'll be a good one this sunday =) And I watched narnia yesterday WAH! GREAT SHOW! Haha, I'm so dying to watch the rest of it =P I guess one of the reasons this christmas seems a lil faster is cause I didn't really spend much time with people, but its ok! Still is nice, and i'm quite happy with everything really, nice enough to see everyone on sunday =) I think I've adjusted quite well to it really, spending most of my time alone with God and my music yeah, in fact gosh, its been the quietest month I've had! Haha but it was busy, and nice yeah, guess its a good end to the year =D

With faith like a child.

Wow

2005-12-19T00:44:00.000+08:00

I'm pretty tired now, past two days have really been crazy, busy with so much stuff but I must say it all ended very well today. Yesterday had to play for Paoyin's sister's wedding, then after that had band practice, AND finally cantata (Choir) practice. So yeah, it was tiring, but strangely enough I had the energy to go through everything, and I do still feel a lil awake. I'm guessing cause I'm still on a bit of a spiritual high haha. Today was good, I think worship went well and it was a lil different from usual. But it was all good stuff, yeah slipped-up a bit but in the end gave my all to God and yeah, wonderful time. The skit GOSH, i slipped on the longer lines, that one always gets me THANK GOODNESS I still managed to get the main idea across. And yeah, heard I did pretty well, PHEW, hugh sigh of relieve there haha.

But really what topped off everything was tonight, it was really a special night. Considering I didn't think I would be going to the Godsrockers BBQ, it all turned out to be a pleasant surprise. And its so strange how like God just makes things happen and fit together so nicely. Like I didn't think I would be going so I was thinking like what I would say if I did go and there was a time of sharing. So YEAH, haha, in the end I did go and everything I wanted to say was in my head already. But I have to say everythings just been building up recently. Like I've been talking to Simon and Kevin, and you know its just so much to think about at what we see at Godsrockers and what we want to see, what we think can be done. And I realized its always been like that, its always talking about what we think we can do and like every once in awhile try it or hope that someone else will initiate it. But today I just felt so different, I just felt God was challenging me to get off the backseat AND go do some driving, go start something. It's like He was telling me, hey I've given you all those dreams and visions, I've given you all the ideas and the talent and resources, so DO IT, don't just sit there and wait for it, you want it then make it happen.

So for next year, I'm gonna do it, actually starting from now I'm gonna do it. I'm not gonna delay going to do worship leading anymore, God gave me a vision of the kind of worship leader he wants me to be and all the ideas to try and create a better environment to worship in. But its not gonna help if I just talk about it and try and get other people to do it, I HAVE to DO IT MYSELF. Make it happen, set an example and start a spark. The only way I'm gonna see something happen is to DO IT MYSELF, not praying that God will make something happen and wait for it but pray that God will use ME to make it happen and start the wildfire. Its gotta start somewhere, and once the momentum builds nothing can stop it short of ourselves. Which is why I have to keep in mind even though I have to answer the call and set an example, it is not me who starts the fire but God in me, working through me and guiding me. God gave me passion, love and joy, and I want to share this with everyone. And what I really want to focus on is passion, I want to see a passionate youth ministry.

And talking about a passionate youth ministry gets me so excited. Its coming and I'm standing up to play my part in it, and I know the others will follow suit. Its so amazing that everyone is starting to feel it, the build-up is just incredible and I know it wouldn't be long before it just explodes and everyone and just go to a different level of relationship with God. I'm still waiting for the day the youths aren't afraid to jump around and rejoice or do whatever they want, I know thats still restrain. That day will come I know it, it wouldn't be long now =D

And the last thing I had to think about was outreach, sharing with the people outside who are lost or just don't know a thing. It is scary, thinking about sharing Christ with a complete stranger, and it really takes a lot of courage. And honestly I can't really do it yet. Sure I do try and share with my friends and yeah, ask them if their interested but strangers, thats a completely different thing all together. I still have a long way to go on that, but yeah, just gonna take small steps at a time.

With faith like a child.

Busy Week

2005-12-12T22:58:00.000+08:00

Hm... gotten a bit lazy to post anything lately haha. Its gonna get real busy for me soon, crazy week for me. Have to wedding practice tomorrow, playing for my dad so yeah, can't really say no to it =s Then on wednesday I have skit practice, thursday cantata practice, and the real whooper, CAM meeting, band practice, and cantata practice all on saturday. Talk about one hectic day. I only hope my voice can hold out till after christmas =s Yesterday at Jon's place was quite nice, I feel inspired after watching the Planetshakers DVD haha, Godsrockers church will be coming soon in the not too distant future! =P Yeah, feel encouraged by it, should be interesting the future. As of now, I will try and rest up as much as I can cause the week's gonna get crazy =P

With faith like a child.

Starting Over

2005-12-06T14:35:00.000+08:00

Artist: Audio Adrenaline
Title: Starting Over

Look at your face, it doesn’t shine the way it used to
Look at your eyes, they don’t sparkle anymore
Look what you’ve done, you’ve ruined it for everyone
Who told you that you had to lose your innocence

(I can begin)
I, I’m starting over
(Again)
I, I’m starting over

Now tell me how, I get back to my childhood
I used to think it was so naive, I was so naive

Look what I’ve done
I’ve ruined it for everyone
I should have held on harder to my innocence

It’s never too late
It’s never too late for starting over

Reclaim your innocence, start over
Reclaim your innocence, reclaim you innocence
Start over, start over

Look at your face, it doesn’t shine the way it used to

Yups, I'm starting over =)

A Different Me, A New Start

2005-12-06T14:15:00.000+08:00

I think I've changed a bit since camp, and yeah its a good change =) Like I feel more peaceful and stuff, and yeah, honestly doesn't bother me anymore that you know I don't have people to hang out with and all. During camp I did a lot of sorting out, and one of the important things that got sorted out is the realization of a promise I made to God. I chose to give my whole life to Him quite a while back, and I really meant everything in my life. That includes all my friendships, which means He gets a say on who I'm friends with and all that. And if its such that I don't really have any close friends at all I'll accept that, cause it was my decision anyway. Like during the last day of camp there was a period like I was just by myself. And yeah, I did feel a bit lonely at first but I remembered my promise to God so I just quietly sat in a corner out of the way and spent some time with God. It was so much more meaningful then all the mindless chatter, haha, I guess thats why I seem to have less friends cause I don't want to make new ones and have to start with all the superficial talk, while I seem to have drifted with all the people I used to be closer with and can't really have deep conversations with them anymore. But yeah, there were still people here and there who really helped me, like Salene thanks man! The talk we had on the second night, it really helped me look at things again, and yeah, really did help me in sorting out everything =) And I relived my first love for music again haha, music will always be a very important part of my life. Even though my life will probably continue to be relatively quiet, its all okay really, I still have God for company, and yeah, I don't think being with anyone else could really compare with that =P Though I still wish I had someone on Earth to talk to and share stuff with, it really is up to God if He wants to send me someone like that.

With faith like a child,
I hung on and God pulled me out.

Honour And Intergrity

2005-11-30T03:46:00.001+08:00

Artist: Staple
Title: Honour And Intergrity

I've said all my "Hail Mary's" and I've recited all the right prayers.
I've done a lot in the name of God to gain this solace from your stares.
So break bread as I take unholy communion once more.
As righteous as filthy rags bleeding on the floor.
I'm sitting ripe, sitting fresh in my mire.
Behold the poison untold.
I've tried to show the world just how great a man can be,
but this great man I've charaded is the farthest thing from me.
The man that I've shown is a man I don't know.

So shall it be: Sown lies shall reap.
Honour has died with integrity.

What can I say?
That I've lived what I've told?
They bought me, but I hate the manner through which I was sold.
I know exactly what to do, I know exactly what to say, I believe every word
it's just so hard to obey: Trojan horse lies filled with big butterflies and they bought me.
They took the bait.
Hook, line and false, flaky, dimple-creased smile.
Sit back and enjoy the show!
I'll have you hooked too, in just a little while.

So shall it be: Sown lies shall reap.
Honour has died with integrity.

I've lived all these lies.
No more compromising.
I know what to do.
I know what to say.
I believe every word; it's just so hard to obey!
I know what I've created - this mess that shadows me - it leaves my conscience tainted!
I want authenticity, integrity.
Jesus, forgive me.

So shall it be: Sown lies shall reap.
Honor has died with integrity.
My honour has died with my integrity.

Deteriorate

2005-11-30T01:25:00.000+08:00

Artist: Demon Hunter
Title: Deteriorate

Time has had its way with me
My broken, tired hands can't build a thing
The wires that have held me still
Embedded now in flesh, define my will
The idle of my days has won
The empty I have fed has made me numb
Despite what you will find in me
The failures of my past still swell beneath

(Pre-chorus:)
I need a heart that carries on through the pain
When the walls start collapsing again
Give me a soul that never ceases to follow
Despite the infection within

(Chorus:)
Our careless feet leaving trails
Never minding the fragile dirt that we all end in

This is where I find my fall
The cares that held me life don't work at all
And every step away from here
Is closer to the plague I hold so dear

Awaiting my end
Breathing in the day that finds me new
Redemption begins
Bleeding out the flaws in place of you

(Chorus)

The Mess That Is Me

2005-11-30T00:52:00.000+08:00

This is so not a good time for me to go to camp. Its too late now. I can't back out, all I can do is try my best. Try to hold off a full blown breakdown, I know its coming its only a matter of when, and I really wanna hold it off until after camp. Then I can cry all I want, as long as I want and wallow in my self-pity. Yup I'm pathetic, but I love being sad, I love that shape pain you feel in your heart that is just so painful, I love it. I love to feel hurt, I love to cry, if I'm suffering from depression I honestly love it. But then I'm not sucidal, so I guess I'm okay. And theres nothing anyone can really do about it, sorry if it worries anyone but theres really nothing anyone can do for me now. How screwed up can a kid like me get uh? Well I guess theres no helping me when its always been like that, since way back whatever I can remember, yeah I had a pretty screwed up childhood, and a pretty screwed up teenage life. From beginning to now it was just me, myself and I, I never relied on anyone, there was never really anyone there for me in the first place. All those nights of crying, of hurting, and there really wasn't anyone who could really do anything for me. How God got me through that I honestly don't know, how He's gonna do it again now is way beyond me. But somehow its gonna be okay, thats the way it is isn't it? So yups, everyone, just ignore me and yeah, take comfort that somehow, everything will just be okay by itself, honestly nothing to worry about, I'm mostly invisible anyway, doesn't really matter does it?

Whatever Really

2005-11-29T22:07:00.000+08:00

I'm tired. Really tired. Like when I go out I get giddy easily, I can't see clearly and yeah, I'm just tired. And also, I'm tired of tagging along, of following people, watching myself listening to people talk about things I don't understand and trying to laugh at it. Tired of watching clicks having fun and talking and laughing, doing things I know I'll never have. I'm glad I chose to walk away from it all today, to just 'drive away' instead of staying and letting the life in me slowly drain away. Its all good, I've accepted this is the way its meant to be, yeah, I'm suppose to be alone, never to fit in with anyone. And its cool, its just the way I am, I'm not gonna change myself for other people, and I'm not gonna beg, or ask people to try and talk to me. I just don't click with anyone and I wouldn't force the issue. So yeah, whatever, it doesn't really matter anymore.

Time To Pick The Pieces Up

2005-11-29T11:35:00.000+08:00

Yup, I've allowed myself enough time to mope and feel sorry for myself, time to pick myself up and get ready for camp. Haha I guess it is kinda good I have these things to do, cause it forces me to refocus and get back on track. Feeling a lil better now, should be okay by thursday =) So today will be for recovery, tomorrow to psyche myself and yeah, I'll be ready to go to high overdrive on thursday all the way to sunday =D I guess God really is good, have a good group, like most of the people I wanted are in it haha. Amazing, its like I didn't exactly pray about it, and yeah I got em. I've been getting quite a bit of stuff I want lately and it kinda makes me feel a bit lousy, cause I've been so totally screwed up I really don't deserve any of it. Its just so weird so yeah, I gotta pick myself up and get everything in motion, thursday here I come!

Picking up the pieces and knowing all will be fine,
With faith like a child.

Argh...

2005-11-28T18:47:00.000+08:00

Man... don't know why but been feeling giddy a lot lately and getting headaches. Its not like I don't get enough sleep, I sleep quite a lot actually but I just feel so tired, and my head just goes a bit blank and giddy. Maybe I'm thinking too much and its straining me too much, I don't know I better go rest now, take a nap or something. Someone just shoot a bullet through my head and spare me these killer headaches man...

Tired

2005-11-27T23:23:00.000+08:00

I'm tired. Strange I'm saying this after taking a holiday, and I did feel better during it, I come back and WHAM! I feel weighted down again. I don't know, I guess during the holiday although I was physically tired, mentally I was free, when I come back I'm mentally tired and yeah, just makes me feel tired in general. I was so tired I actually fell asleep while crying last night gosh, thats how tired I am. And camp is coming soon, great. I'm in no condition to be a GL now, emotionally I'm very fragile and yeah, really just a wreck inside. Actually I feel like I shouldn't do anything in church at all for the moment, cause I'm just so messed up. I just want a break, to just drive away.

I was irritated with myself this morning, wasn't in a very good mood and too tired to really play well, and I get upset when I know I'm not giving my best for God. And yeah, its like I say okay, I'll set aside the whole of worship to really just give it my best and put everything else aside, no matter how screwed up everything is. But I couldn't really maintain it, I was too tired, I just didn't think I should be there today.

And I really am struggling with my weird liking of depression, I like to be sad I just can't explain it. I like the feeling of having my heart cut and covered in open wounds, I like to cry my eyes out till my eyes are sore, and I really don't understand why. But I know I can't let that happen, not now, I have too much to do now. Maybe it's what I'm familiar with, it's what gives me a little comfort, honestly I don't know. All I know is I like it, and its just so hard to push away. I'd choose to be alone and suffer in silence over going out with people, althought I do still suffer when I'm out with people but its just not so obvious.

I guess I kind of hide my feelings, I don't know, I honestly don't want people to have to get all caught up with my problems. I don't want to go looking for attention, I don't want people to make a big fuss about me. I used to want people to at least care a bit but now it doesn't really make any difference. Its my own problems and yeah, I'll just have to sort it out myself.

I guess this is part of life isn't it, all the struggling and suffering, and I guess its good i've kind of accepted it right? Maybe liking pain isn't such a bad thing.

Struggling just to hold on,
With faith like a child.

Tonight I'll Shed Some Tears

2005-11-27T00:48:00.002+08:00

I feel like crying tonight. I like that feeling, the pain inside, the hurt, its strange but I like it. Guess it makes me feel alive, fills up the emptiness loneliness brings. Theres nothing anyone can really do now. This is the path I have to take and I have to walk it alone.

I Want To Just Drive Away

2005-11-26T23:15:00.000+08:00

Artist: The Juliana Theory
Title: Leave Like A Ghost (Drive Away)

It's a ghost town baby,
It will drive you crazy,
When you rely on all your friends.
I see people sucked in,
There's no way to stop them,
From becoming walking dead.
You're still living,
But barely breathing,
Get out while you can.

Just drive away,
'Cause no one here will save you.
Drive away and don't look back,
You're gone.

It's a ghost town, sister,
I've seen your dreams wither,
And that's what's giving me the creeps.
Spend your whole life waiting,
In a town that's fading,
It's a never ending sleep.
You're still breathing,
Barely breathing,
Get out while you can.

Just drive away,
'Cause no one here will save you.
Drive away and don't look back.
Just drive away,
'Cause nothing here will change you
Drive away and don't look back.

Cause it's so alone here,
We drink all alone here,
Nobody feels like we feel like we do.
We're all alone here,
We'll die all alone here.
No one, yeah, nobody feels like we feel like we do.
Like we do.

Just drive away,
'Cause no one here will save.
Drive away and don't look back.
Just drive away,
'Cause no one here will save you.
Drive away and don't look back.
Just drive away,
'Cause nothing here will change you.
Drive away and don't look back.

(Drive away, drive away-ay-ay-ay) [x4]

You're still breathing,
Barely breathing,
Get out while you can.

Sometimes I wish I really could just drive away... get away from everything. I don't really have friends. Don't really have anyone to hang out with, no clicks no nothing I'm usually just tagging along. And I am getting tired of it, I wouldn't tag along anymore if I don't have to. And I guess the song is kinda true, should never rely on friends cause its just another dead end. I miss Hong Kong, it felt good to just not bother about anything, not care about anyone and yeah talk to new people and stuff. The people there seem friendlier, I don't feel so invisible over there, but well I'm stuck here, for the moment that is. Maybe someday I'll find the balance to live life alone, cause its the only way for people like me to live.

Still trying,
With faith like a child.

Back From Hong Kong!

2005-11-26T00:05:00.000+08:00

Haha I'm back from Hong Kong! Yups, reached back yesterday, but wasn't really in a blogging mood then =P Well I guess I'm more or less settled now so yeah, posting again =D Well I must say Hong Kong is really a nice place, quite clean and stuff, and the weather NICE, its like natural air-con over there! Food is good yeah! Strangely enough I didn't really gain any weight that sucks, I'm way too skinny =l Haha shopping wise got new pair of shoes, a couple of jeans, yeah quite good shopping really, pity it was like mostly selling winter wear so couldn't buy too much.

Well might as well tell you guys what I did for each day. For the first day Sunday, went for some night tour thingy. Like went up a mountain on Hong Kong island and yeah, looked round and stuff. Like saw a few celebs' houses, but its not really that big a deal =P Then took a boat ride back to Kowloon and had an open-top bus ride around the town, which was great =D Like they have so many sign boards all over the place and it looks nice really. Then on monday, went for another tour but this one was more sucky, like visited crappy places nothing really worth mentioning. had dinner with my dad's friends on tuesday night, at some really classy place haha man, felt weird =P Then on wednesday night was off to visit my mum's friend's grandma (I think). Yes grandma, I think its cause they married really early there last time? But yeah then we had dinner with a brother of my mum's friend. All the times in between was spend eating or shopping, so yeah, was great =D Well thats about all I guess, haha, yeah, was a good holiday but its nice to be back =)

With faith like a child.

I'll Be Away

2005-11-19T12:31:00.000+08:00

Okay this is very important I'll be away from tomorrow onwards and will only be back on Thursday. Yes, so please don't look for me or anything, if you do want to today is the only day you can haha. Feel weird to have to miss church again, its like been missing it so much lately =s And like I'll miss quite a bit of other stuff too oh well. Anyways yups, thats about it, when I come back it'll be my misadventures in Hong Kong! Haha actually I think it'll be more of a shopping trip in Hong Kong kind of thingy =P

With faith like a child.

Is It Me, Or Does It Just Get Quieter Whenever I'm Around?

2005-11-17T00:26:00.000+08:00

Weird how I seem to have this strange ability to make people quiet. Just seems like silence follows me wherever I go hm... And the all too familiar feeling of loneliness really doesn't hurt anymore, I guess thats good? I don't know, I like it sometimes really, being alone, and I don't really seem to hate it anymore. Maybe I've finally accepted that yeah, I was meant to be lonely and I'm finally able to live with it, I hope its like that anyway.

Still lost out at sea but not giving up,
With faith like a child.

A Not So Good Sunday (Well Thats Something New)

2005-11-13T23:37:00.000+08:00

This sunday wasn't exactly a very good one, oh well. Like it doesn't really bother me, but it amuses me when I realize that yeah I've drifted from everyone. Don't really know how to explain it, I just can't talk to anyone anymore, and I never really felt like I really clicked with anyone. If I do it doesn't really last long, after awhile it just seems to fade yeah. But its okay, at least nowadays I don't make myself follow people around in hopes of like actually talking to people and stuff. Helps me save a lotta time that would really be wasted just waiting and watching other people. Yeah, I guess I'm always the person on the outside looking in, but its pretty much alright really.

Well enough of that, with all my extra time I was just thinking about stuff, and yeah, I kinda figured out why I like emo music, and why The Juliana Theory means so much to me. I love the theatricals, the raw emotions and feelings of emo music. Thats not to say I'm a very drama person, but yeah, I like the tradegies, I like the sad endings, I like all the extremes. And The Juliana Theory in particular was one of the bands that helped me along in my tough times. Its my shout and scream, headbang away all the things inside me music, and the music just makes it so easy to just let it out.

And I realized I'm not a talk to people person. Honestly if people come to talk to me yeah, its nice, but it doesn't change anything. Its more a case of I want people to care not listen, cause listening is easy (or at least to me). I guess when you think you know so much about something it doesn't really work on yourself anymore uh. But then again I've always gotten out of my situations alone with God, granted its a heck of a longer process and it hurts like crap. Strange how knowing I don't really have many friends doesn't affect me anymore. It used to matter so much, now I don't really care that much.

Guess its just another small black cloud in my life again, the rainbows never seem to last very long and the sun doesn't shine as often as it should but oh well, thats life.

Struggling yet again but pressing on,
With faith like a child.

My Emo Roots

2005-11-13T00:12:00.000+08:00

Artist: The Juliana Theory
Song: If I Told You This Was Killing Me

watch your mouth
hold your toungue boy
because you're running out of breath
running out of time
before every careless word that you utter
renders you utterly useless
now you're drowning in your own saliva
trying to speak yourself to the top of your empty world
well keep on talking
just keep on rambling
you've got your mouth full

now listen here's the pleasant part
you and i we fell apart
why can't you make up your mind

shut your mouth
burn your bridges
throw your words like an attack
stab me in the
wait a second what's that
i just heard
nevermind it's obviously useless
now you're standing on your soapbox
yelling from the rooftops
everything you say is a lie

now listen here's the clever one
who speaks before his thoughts are done
why can't you make up your mind

watch your mouth
hold your tongue
some things are better left unsaid
now i hope you're pleased
you let your pride stand tall
it danced within your words, right before your fall
why don't you say that to my face
if i told you this was killing me would you stop?

I finally got this song again haha, kinda lost it I think I forgot to burn it on a CD last time but yups! I found it again! Its one of my favourite songs, taken from one of my all-time favourite albums haha. Its the Emotion Is Dead album by The Juliana Theory, and it was my first step into Emo music! So yeah, it remains a very important part of my history haha. Not to mention it was during one of my tough periods that I was listening to it, and in a way it did help me a lot yeah =)

Anyways that aside, been quite an interesting week yups, I'm glad I went for revival service! It was wonderful, thank you Jon! Really encouraged me =) Yup, I'm gonna dream big and do big things for God yeah! But all in due time haha, I still have sooooo much to learn =P And my nonsense stomach keeps acting up and getting alright, like just so unstable =l But I'm going church this week DEFINATELY, I'll never miss two weeks in a row, and it'd be three weeks if I did miss tomorrow (or later if you wanna be picky about details) cause I wouldn't be around next week =P So yeah, hm... just a short update for now haha, if anything pops up to mind again I'll be back! =P

With faith like a child.

Things Will Get Better Somehow, It Always Does

2005-11-03T23:53:00.000+08:00

Yet another day of nothing much haha, but am feeling slightly better, thanks Aud for trying to cheer me up, appreciate it =) Hoping I get a lot better yup, this nonsense really isn't doing any good how irritating. Its all happening again hardening up gotta break it down somehow yeah.

With faith like a child.

Am I Suffering In Silence? Does It Really Matter?

2005-11-02T23:16:00.000+08:00

Really don't know what's going on anymore, don't really care much either. Just quiet, everyday just passes by the way it starts out, in silence. Not that it really bothers me anyway, don't particularly feel anything at the moment, or think anything for that matter. Guess I've finally gone numb to loneliness? Which may be good and bad, I don't know, doesn't seem to really matter anymore. Oh well, back to my life, back to the silence.

Trying to get through this thunderstorm,
With faith like a child.

How The Lonely Keep

2005-10-30T22:26:00.000+08:00

That's the name of an album by the band Terminal, a pity I haven't been able to find it. Probably would be a very good CD to add to my collection considering I've always really been a loner haha. Well, really do thank God for guitars and music, my best friends =D Well don't wanna talk about this too much, I'm alright I guess, been able to keep things inside for so long whats a bit more right haha.

With faith like a child.

Wow It's Already Wednesday

2005-10-26T23:59:00.000+08:00

Wow, time seems to fly so fast. Its wednesday already gosh... don't seem to have been doing much haha. Strange I can't really find people to talk to anymore =l Just seems soooo quiet gosh... Feeling a lil down... but oh well! Thank God for guitars =D Helps me kill the time, and yeah, something I like and I can do =D Guess it can't be helped that I don't have many friends, gotta find other ways to keep myself occupied haha =P Guitar playing therapy haha, its a new way to cope with loneliness!

Faith like a child.

Another Peaceful Day

2005-10-24T22:58:00.000+08:00

Hm... quite an alright day today, starting to learn a couple of Jack Johnson songs =D Then hm... yeah, practiced guitar, chilled out, my usual day =P Yesterday wasn't too bad either, practice and all was quite good. Haha dancing hm... I guess I'm just not used to learning other people's moves and stuff, feels weird to me, but of cause I'll continue trying =D And think it was good that Shawn and Kafai gave feedback on the script and yeah changing it, although it is a lil last minute but its all for the better! Dinner was =s Okay I guess, didn't eat very much,and had to pay a bit for someone else because she forgot to bring enough money =l But its okay really haha, whats important is the fellowship yeah! Was nice having dinner with the rest =D And I think I slept the earliest ever since a couple of months ago last night, slept at 1 gosh, thats so early =s

With faith like a child.

Lalala~

2005-10-21T01:07:00.000+08:00

Hm... I'm suddenly in an artsy photo taking mood haha =P Its the attack of my artistic side again gosh! Haha but yeah, I do like taking shots of scenery and stuff hm... maybe I'll go do something some day soon =D Yup yup, might as well go explore all the stuff I've liked when I did do and try it out again =P Drawing hm... I seem to be too outta touch man... Maybe I'll try again but I seem to have lost my drawing abilities =( It could be I just gotta work on it a bit more so hm... worth another shot =P And I'm glad I'm helping out for CAM, gives me a chance to try the other stuff I've always liked too =D Haha wow, its so cool I have the time to explore all these artistic things and yeah, have fun =D Pity I never got to really do all of it when I was younger oh well =P

With faith like a child.

=)

2005-10-18T19:58:00.000+08:00

Haha man, I really thank God for Salene, such a wonderful friend! =D And its just amazing how talking to her will get me thinking about stuff haha, really am very thankful for her =) Not to mention she's usually the only person around at the right time to talk to haha =P Today was hm... okay I guess, oh now I know when I'm going army haha, actually quite excited about it man I must be a lil crazy =P Maybe its cause of all the stuff that's gonna happen after it haha. Although I have no idea what but I know God has plans for me yup =) So yeah, doesn't matter I don't know whats gonna happen, or have any idea at all in what sorta direction it'll lead me but hey! I'm just enjoying the ride God is the driver haha, so yeah, you can bet its gonna be one amazing journey =P

With faith like a child.

Back To The Routine

2005-10-17T22:18:00.000+08:00

Hm... things are more or less settled down again yup yup, had a decent day yesterday. Thank goodness Paul and Calvin were still in church when I was leaving if not I'd have gone straight home and that would have really sucked =l Like sunday is the only day I ever go out, and man, if I stay home on sunday too I'd feel quite miserable =s Aside from that yeah, slowly getting back to normal again yay =) Today just played around with my guitar and stuff, yeah, nothing much really, just another normal quiet day. Guess I'll go play around with my guitar somemore and yeah sleep and stuff haha, hopefully I'll get to talk with people tomorrow yups =) And oh, for people who actually come here you'd have noticed the tag board is gone, took it off cause it was just wasting space haha =P

With faith like a child.

My Alibi

2005-10-15T01:05:00.000+08:00

Artist: Blindside
Song: My Alibi

My feet felt light for the first time in months
It was like You came walking across the room
Straight at me and then straight through me
And then stopped and stood still for awhile
I knew then that I’d been lonely for quite some time
And as we started to dance, You gently took off my tear-soaked coat
And let it fall heavy to the floor and then
We danced some more

When all is said and done
When all is gone and still just begun
I will be asked what I did with my time and why
Can You be my alibi
Cause I know I spent it dancing with You

I have been here before
These emotions are relived
It’s like a joy déjà vu
You have been walking along
With me for quite some time
But me with my deaf ear and my blind sides
Both of these I turned against You
We all know that You’re there
We all know

When all is said and done
When all is gone and still just begun
I will be asked what I did with my time and why
Can You be my alibi
Cause I know I spent it dancing with You

Said and done
Now all is gone and still just begun
What have I done with my time and why
You are my alibi
Cause I know
I know I’m dancing with You

I want to make this true for me, when all is past I want to be able to say those words to God. So what if I don't seem to have as many friends as I want, so what if they don't seem to care as much as I would want them to? I'm gonna spend my time dancing with Him, and all will be fine.

With faith like a child.

The Irony

2005-10-15T00:46:00.000+08:00

What irony, the moment I think of closing down my blog I find I still need to use it so much. It hurts, to always feel so lonely, and it hurts when no one seems to be able to help me, but its true... No one in this world could stop me from feeling lonely, nothing will change the fact I'll never fit in. All I can do is pray, everyday just pray that God can fill the hole inside, that He can heal my soul. I don't want to go through all the pain again, it hurts and it doesn't just affect me I know it affects the few people around me... So yeah, I'm trying to keep in under control, and I'm trying not to depend on people too much, cause ultimately its what I have to resolve by myself. And honestly what people do I have to depend on? Don't wanna be a bother to anyone. Gosh I did see this coming, I remembered a few posts ago I felt something bad might be coming my way, and honestly I forgot about it, I didn't even think of it again until now. Oh gosh the tears are coming again, I think that's enough for now.

With faith like a child.

Hm?

2005-10-14T22:28:00.000+08:00

Haha hm... I think I'm not gonna bother posting stuff for awhile, like I really prefer talking about stuff that goes through my mind rather then writing it down, and yeah I got one or two people who I can talk to so yeah =) My tagboard is dead already haha, and I honestly don't feel like posting much anymore I don't know, may be I'll just close down this blog doesn't really serve any purpose anymore. Like if I wanna angst or anything I'll just go straight to God haha, and well, the people who should know about whats going on with me should already know before any posts are up so yeah, I think I'll take some time to consider closing this blog down hm...

With faith like a child.

Yay! Good Day =)

2005-10-12T23:45:00.000+08:00

Haha yay! I'm so happy I went for revival service today! =D Bet you are too right Salene =P Haha yeah, i think today was good, I'm finally rid of something thats really been pestering me! Its a sin I was struggling with but haha, only one person knows what it is and I think its okay that way =P But yeah, sermon was INCREDIBLE, amazing okay! Really spoke to me cause on my way to church God gave me a word and it was related directly with the sermon! And I was like WOW, so thats what God wanted me to know! Really is amazing haha, lalala~ happy day =D

With faith like a child.

You Always Were There To Rescue Me

2005-10-09T22:22:00.000+08:00

Artist: Project 86
Title: From December

It's the first day
Since I handed you your final rose
In your house
I'm staring out the window at our tree (We planted below)

The heights of which
You'll never
Ever know

You always
Were there to rescue me
From december

I wonder if you'll look the same
When you embrace me on that day
Will you remember my name
When I return home again?

In my minds eye
I see you next to me as I'm on my knees
It's in this place
That you showed me how to ask eternity

For shelter
For comfort
For relief

I see our branches stretching
To heights you'd not believe
One day these leaves will reach you
And there will be no more

Pain

You always gave me refuge
Unconditional
You always offered shelter
From December's snow
My chin still rests upon you
While my feet they sway
I wonder if you'll look the same
When you embrace me
On that day

Kinda what I'm feeling now, amazing how God has always been there to rescue me gosh... Really good song, but its one of those noisy bands, post-hardcore sort of thing so yeah, not for just anyone haha =P But yeah, just so glad God is always there to rescue me =)

With faith like a child.

Weird Mood

2005-10-03T23:41:00.000+08:00

Gosh I'm in a weird mood today =s Feel so um... bored and restless and stuff, and gosh its like AWEFULLY quiet, didn't have a proper conversation with anyone the whole day. And I feel a lil tired of messaging people and trying to get a conversation started cause well, everyone doesn't really seem to want to talk today. And I'm also tired of trying to think of stuff to talk about when people don't really reply anyway gosh, guess it's just one of those days?

Maybe it's cause Audrey is having her hiatus now so yeah, she was probably the only person i got to talk to everyday. And most of the time she was the only person I talked to for that day. And now gosh, there's no one at all! >.< Where did all the talking people go... sigh... Oh well, gotta live with it for the moment cause she wouldn't be back anytime soon. And I'm suddenly in this anti-love mood geesh, wonder what's up with that. Feel like I seriously don't wanna ever get attached cause its just such a hussle =P And there seem to be a lot more bad points compared to good points in them.

Its just all sooooo weird, happening after Worship Night and stuff gosh, really have to watch myself have a feeling something not too good might be coming my way =s

With faith like a child.

Post-Worship Night Blues?

2005-10-02T20:47:00.000+08:00

Feels weird after last night and stuff, like wow it all just ended yesterday and wah, miss it already =P But I have to say it really was very good, not just musically (because everyone made their fair share of mistakes =P) but yeah, it was very good spiritually for everyone. It really once another experience for me, and not to mention the lessons I learnt from it, yeah bet the whole team feels the same way I do =)

Anyway, I shall not get stuck in post-Worship Night blues yeah! There'll be more of them in the future (with or without me depending on army stuff next time =P) and yeah, will have many more great moments like this. And I wanted start with something new today, I'm gonna put a list of people I wanna thank for really being a part of my life =D Like Pastor Juliet prayed for me and one of the things she says is that she feels God wants me to know although I feel people don't appreciate me enough sometimes its okay, He's there for me yeah =) Can't really remember exactly what she said, I was still playing while she came to pray for me =P

But yeah, keep starting the list will be my main ministry, worship ministry! And in particular Shawn, Kelvin and Lynnette with have been like older siblings guiding Kevin and I through the whole planning of Worship Night. And also being there for everything else to, giving advice and yeah, sharing stuff with us. And there's of cause Kevin, really very encouraging being with him, just someone who I can really feel excited about youth ministry about and yeah! Know God is gonna use him to do lot of stuff and I'm more then happy to be helping too =) And also being a good friend I can hang out with yups =) Next up for the people will be the more techniquely advanced people like Samuel, Simon and Diana, nice people who try and help me during practises and stuff. Of cause theres the rest of the team, but yeah, its just not as much as those mentioned =P

Next up is the wonderful CAM! Haha yeah, although I'm not like officially in it I feel I'm a part of it already! And the people inside are just so wonderful =) Like Salene haha gosh, really thank God for bringing her into my life and at just the right time too! She's just like my older sister (although she does seem to act younger =x) but yeah, she really is someone I can be very open to and be like a spiritual support! Haha just like my old friend who was like this to me, God really knew how much I missed having a friend like that man =P And theres Audrey! Hey gal! Haha, yeah, I feel like I've known her for so long already gosh =s And yeah, comfortable with her and really thank God she was there to cheer me up and stuff when I was going through my bad patch =) Then there's Francesco, really nice dude and gosh, when I see him God tells me he has a lot potential and wah, just really feel for him man. Wanna see him grow spiritually and yeah, do great things for God =) And of cause theres the rest of them like Paoyin yeah! Haha she looks so motherly and stuff but she can be real crazy too! Really all of them are just wonderful people =D And I know God has a lot in stall for them yeah, can't wait to see what happens =)

And of cause, I can't miss out my CG! Even though its not in a very good situation at the moment the CG still means something to me, and yeah I don't wanna lose it. Theres the ever-present Paul (the only person besides me and Sheryl who is always there =P) who yeah, is really a nice chap. And yeah Sheryl who is really trying to keep the CG together, really nice gal, although she can be quite aggressive when she calls people to go for CG =x Then theres Calvin, who is always the same =P Haha actually not really, have seen him grow and its wonderful, although theres still quite a bit he could change. But yeah, all in due time God will make it happen in his timing =) Then theres Chris, who isn't exactly from my CG, but I guess he can be considered to be in it now haha, nice guy too, and yeah, someone older I can talk about church stuff and such with. And of cause there's Gen! Haha, she's quite silly and stuff but it's okay! It's what makes her special =) And she really is quite devoted to the CG, sending smses to almost everyone once a week to ask for prayer request and just ask how their doing I think it takes effort to do that yeah! And oh! Jiahui who's really like my older sister! Haha although at the moment like don't really feel that close to her anymore but yeah, she really is a wonderful sweet gal =) And theres Deb! Haha the crazy gal =x But yeah, she's usually around when I'm down all I have to do is like message her and stuff =) Miss her in church! =( Really hope she'll come back soon =D And theres Rachel, I don't know why I just have a sort of connection with her sometimes like well just get along haha. And yeah, she's like another sister =) Miss her in church too... =( And yeah, a few others who I don't really know that well but they are in my CG and they do mean something to me!

Haha wow this posting is so long already okay! Yup thats the small thanks I can give to having all this wonderful people around me, really feel blessed =) Yeah, I think its a good thing thinking bout the wonderful people around you, really makes you realize how forunate you can really be you know =P

With faith like a child.

Post-Worship Night =D

2005-10-02T00:47:00.000+08:00

WOOHOO! Wah what a crazy night, was really great! Just whacking away haha =P Oh ouch! My knee joint hurts a lil, haha man was crazy at the kick drum just now think I busted my knee drats, and I still have to play tomorrow! So I shall pray for healing! That my knee will be okay by tomorrow yeah! =D

Haha and I learned something today really is amazing what God can do. Like during the practise before the thing itself I was kinda worried, cause the band wasn't really playing well and yeah, just wasn't tight. But you know after that Shawn shared about how he felt there was fear in the band and stuff again, and how like we shouldn't be to worried about how we do. And yeah, I thought to myself like yeah man, I'm not gonna worry and be so concerned bout how we sound and stuff. And I felt it was a challenge of my faith, to trust that He can make it happen even though I don't feel like it really sounded good.

Well what can I say? Didn't God give us a pure knockout rocking worship session? =P Haha yeah, and I felt a lot more free and less worried and stressed and just had a go at it! And yeah, just totally lost it like was singing along and stuff, and man, like in my head I wasn't thinking about anything except worshiping God and doing it through my instrument. And yeah, just felt so amazing, like there were moments I heard a totally different sound, the music just seemed so amazing, like something humanly we could never produce. And I knew it was God working through the band, man, it was one awesome rock show by God =P

So yes! Thats a bit of what happened at Worship Night 2005 for you, wouldn't say hope you all enjoyed it CAUSE I KNOW you all did haha, all praise to God always signing off,

the crazy psycho close to deaf drummer, who is a child of God, servant to all and rocks his socks off for God,

Jesher,

And from now on I shall end off all my posts with a line that is very close to my heart, because its what describes me and what I strive for everyday:

With faith like a child.

Countdown: The Day Itself! (Pre-Worship Night)

2005-10-01T12:30:00.000+08:00

Its here! WOOHOO! FINALLY! Haha yeah, didn't put an entry in yesterday cause I was busy formatting my com and stuff =P Now I'm just sitting at home about to leave for practise for tomorrow's service, have long day ahead! But its all gonna be fun! =D And more importantly it's all gonna be for God yeah =) Haha pardon my lack of things to say, my brain space is too pre-occupied by tonight haha =P

And Just To Add =P

2005-09-30T00:05:00.000+08:00

Haha and just to add I got a new guitar effects box earlier in the day =D Pity I don't have an adaptor or four AA batteries which I need to work the thing =( Oh well, gotta wait till tomorrow yups, I still can play my guitars with or without it =P And I'm so dying to watch Copse Bride gosh... (uh gosh no pun or anything intended whatsoever. In fact I didn't even notice till I read through again =P) just gotta get the people to go catch it with me, any takers? =P It sucks to be low on cash =( Highly unhealthy I'm not buying any new CDs of late tsk, I need my music education! And on a sidenote I've thought about all the talk bout blogs and such and its effects hm... interesting wouldn't you say? For me its just my diary (I'm too lazy to actually get one and write stuff on it) and yeah, I'm not out to get people's attention and cause a huge commotion or anything, guess to each his own huh.

Countdown: Two More Days!

2005-09-29T15:44:00.000+08:00

Haha YAYYYYYY, not much longer till saturday wahahahaha, I'm just DYING for it =x And I'll be playing on sunday too gosh, overload! Wasn't suppose to play too but like no one left so tsk yups, duty calls =P After sunday I'm gonna take a break from drumming for awhile, too much for now gosh, been to church for practise every saturday and sunday since the beginning of the month =s Haha so yups, saturday I'll go all out and get myself deaf, sunday I'll try to keep it up then its break time! And time for me go over to doing vocals haha =P

Countdown: Three More Days!

2005-09-28T15:38:00.000+08:00

Three more days to THE DAY, yes THAT DAY, WORSHIP NIGHT! Haha yeah, and I shall do a count down! Can't wait for saturday, then I can go deaf muwahahahaha. (I did momentarily go deaf during the last practise, no kidding =P) I'm wondering if I should wear ear plugs or something on saturday, cause its gonna really hurt my ears =s but then if I do that I wouldn't be able to hear the band properly! Hm... guess it means no ear plugs =P And I shall make it a point to paragraph my long postings, gosh it must be quite a tough time reading it =P

ARGH!

2005-09-26T23:12:00.000+08:00

ARGH! I can't wait for saturday ARGH! Its just driving me nuts, I mean I could manage normal days but TSK, not this week, not just before worship night where I'll go all out and blow my eardrums out man... Its killing me! I wish I had stuff to do before saturday ARGHHHHHHHHHH... Its so boring! SIGHHHHHHH... Okay I better stop now, I shall continue whining in silence yeah =P

Things All Going Fine =)

2005-09-23T23:14:00.000+08:00

Haven't updated for so long wow, haha well theres nothing much to update anyway =P Nothing much happening, except for preparation for worship night YAY! Things going quite well =) Yup yup other then that well... I'm about the same haha, so yeah, thats all for now, if anything else interesting happens I'll update =)

Free At Last

2005-09-12T00:06:00.000+08:00

I'm free at last, I can have the confidence to say God has set me free for good and nothings going to hold me back anymore. God has broken off all the chains that used to bind me and yeah, I feel so much better =) He's put in me a new peace, something really special that the world can never take away from me. I really thank God for 'making' me go for YMLC, really he wanted to do so much with me and yeah I'm just so blessed. And I'm gonna give back all he gave me, i'm surrendering everything, my life, my dreams, everything to Him and living to serve Him =) Quitting school was the first step, it was a huge leap of faith and honestly I can tell you I was rather worried about it, yeah it felt good to not need to go to school anymore and feel so tied down, but at the same time I was so worried about my future. But I know God wanted me to do other things, He has a great plan for me and I'm not gonna miss out on it, I'm gonna jump on and let Him carry me away. I'm so happy I did it, cause all the things I give up or have taken away have been returned many folds, now I'm not afraid anymore because I know my future is safe in Him, and yeah, even though I don't know where I'm heading exactly it doesn't matter, He's all that matters =) So for now all I can do is serve, and give my all, and what has always been in my heart is the youths, to see the youths in church close to God and seeking after him, and I want to work towards that by giving whatever I can. I have a vision that one day Godsrockers will be able to do wonders like Hillsongs and Planet Shakers, not just to sound good like them but to be able to bring the people in, draw them into worship unrestrained. Because all I live for is to please God, and I know it really pleases Him to see His people coming together as one to praise him. And its strange, but I realize how much God has changed me. Now I can feel a great love for the people in my heart, and I guess its no wonder, cause if you love someone you'll come to love the things that person loves too right? And yeah, I can feel God's love for the people, and I want to share in it too. So I will pray, pray everyday, and continue to serve, humbling myself and sumbiting to others, to aim to be a true servant of God.

'With faith like a child.'

Back! =D

2005-09-10T20:12:00.000+08:00

Wow, back from three days of constipations =x Haha, I don't know why whenever I go for camps and stuff I get constipated, which explains why I eat particularly little during them because well, if stuff doesn't come out I can't put in more right? =P Haha well I hafta say that it was great! Really really wonderful, feel changed haha =P Yup yup learned quite a lot (although I slept quite a bit also =x), and yeah, feel refreshed and so much better now, like I dare say I really am living only for God now =D I think I'm gonna do full-time lay minstry work next time yeah. Like nothing else matters to me anymore haha. I think I'll never be sad again, and I'll never feel alone again =) Relationship stuff and all that bleah, its all good yeah, but honestly God is more than enough for me =) I'm even considering staying single all my life fully concentrating on serving God yeah, I don't think I'll be missing much anyway =P Well I think I'll keep this short, my brain isn't working all that well now, like the people who went will know haha last night/this morning was fun and crazy =D

The Simple Life: Me, My Guitar and Music

2005-09-05T21:32:00.000+08:00

Aw man I'm beginning to really like being alone lol, spend most of my days with my guitar and just listening to music and stuff. And life's so simple now, no more silly relationships, no more thinking about silly things yeah, it's nice =) I hope it can last forever, I honestly don't see a need for a gal to be in my life haha, my guitar is my wife already! *hugs guitar* =P Yeah, just chilling, trying to perfect a few songs, i can work on a song for hours until I get it completely right haha, guess I'm a perfectionist but it's gotta sound right =P And the short 'practise' for worship night yesterday wasn't to bad, I think the team might actually sound better than what I expected which is a very pleasant surprise =P What else is there lets see hm... I love singing! Haha yeah I've said it a thousand times but yeah, just gotta say it again I really do love it, may be as much as I love my guitar, which comes just in front of my drums. And over the next couple of days gonna be going to different music schools to see where I can go learn stuff =D yup yup thats about all for now simple peaceful life =)

Sigh... But Oh Well

2005-08-31T01:00:00.000+08:00

Sigh... I feel sad when I see other people sad and going through stuff and feeling horrible... Because thats what I used to be, and like you know you wish no one else has to go through it but it happens... And I wish I could share the joy I have with people, this gift God gave which although i lost some time back I got it back again. And its the only kind of joy that will last but sigh... I just don't really know how to share it... Oh well, all I can do is pray that the people around will eventually get it too, the special joy that makes you realize all your 'problems' are really nothing cause well, you've got God and we all know how much He loves us and always blesses us and helps us in times of need. And I realize that the things I've given up, the things that have been taken away from me God has returned many folds, just gotta keep holding on knowing theres nothing to worry about! God makes everything work out =) Of cause through his own ways, and well sometimes how it works out just doesn't make sense to us, but one thing is for sure God knows best and He knows what He's doing =)

Sigh... The Problem That Is Relationships =l

2005-08-31T00:00:00.000+08:00

Honestly, what is up with all this 'love' and mushy stuff? Haha *shrug* I honestly think its all just in the mind, think about someone a little too much, think someone is treating you a bit more special, its just all in your head the more you think about it the more you believe it. Maybe it's from my past expeiences, but honestly I find 'true love' quite a hard thing to believe, and gosh I'm staying clear of it cause it does seem to create more trouble than good. (no good in my case =P) I don't know, its like now I can unlike anyone I used to think or still think I like, cause well, its all in your head really, if you tell yourself you like someone you'll believe it, if you tell yourself you don't and just keep it in your head you wouldn't yeah. Amazing how powerful the mind is, I'm just fascinated by it. Like I realized I've managed to not think about relationship stuff for like gosh, I don't know how long. And I'm so happy now with God and my guitar, like yeah, all I do all day is talk to God and practise my guitar and its enough for me. Sure I feel lonely, but its what everyone goes through, and we have to accept that no matter how many people try to be there for you and stuff, ultimately you will feel moments of loneliness. So no point trying to find like the special someone who can always be there for you, eventually you'll still feel bits of loneliness cause well, its the hole only God can fill. For me, yeah I've accepted it, its no big deal really, find that focusing on God and music make me feel content, its more than enough really, I don't need all the troublesome affairs of the heart haha =P If its possible I would marry guitars, absolutely no questions about it, cause firstly they don't cause headaches, secondly they're a heck of a lot cheaper to maintain, and lastly they aren't mysterious and impossible to understand =x And oh, just got a new guitar amp and a capo, next up will be an effect box I'm so gonna rock all night =x Haha yeah my guitar is depriving me of sleep but its well worth it =P

Another Great Sunday =D

2005-08-28T21:26:00.000+08:00

Haha yeah! I had a wonderful Sunday! Really was a very good day. So glad you enjoyed the surprise aud! =) And I'm SO happy the worship night stuff eventually did work out yay! Like was really wrecking my brains on how to make it work, like yeah you guys know already right I was so torn between the themes but somehow God put it in my head how to put the two together and tada! Now have a new theme that really seems to fit everything =D And I SO happy I went for the CAM meeting too aw... you guys are really wonderful! And really must thank you guys, it really meant a lot to me what you all said, especially what Esther said that really meant a lot, because God has always been sending people to tell me he really loves me and his favour is on me and I was so scared I kinda lost it =x (haha silly me =P) But yeah... and like wow, really is nice to hear all those nice things like really awwww... just wanna give you all a big hug! (or as big as I can manage =x) Haha yeah, and I really think a lot of wonderful stuff is gonna happen for CAM, like you people really are gonna do a lot of great things for God! And you people are so talented and gifted, and I can see you all really want to serve, theres just so much endless possiblities and yeah! I can't wait for it all =) Haha its just amazing like all the different ministries are picking up again and like things are getting into motion again, like yeah! I'm SOOOO happy =P

Hm... Interesting

2005-08-24T23:12:00.000+08:00

Hm... things are getting a lil bit more interesting for me, yups despite not really talking to anyone at all, and for once I didn't receieve a single sms all day! Haha but thats okay, whats interesting is I feel like doing all the stuff I did halfway last time, like pick them up again yeah. And most of the stuff is very artsy stuff haha, yeah I'm more artisically inclined. Like drawing hm... I think I'm gonna start drawing stuff again, its been quite some time, and literature, like wow I love reading stuff, and poems and etc... Think I'll start all that again. And lets see, I do like to dance, and somewhere inside of me theres still a drama queen lurking around haha. I'm not kidding I used to like acting, although I didn't really show it and well I am kinda shy about it =P I think those two uh... I probably wouldn't be touching on any time soon, but yeah, gonna start all da drawing and literature stuff again I really like them. Besides all my guitar that is, still spend most of my days with my guitar haha, but I'm sort of running outta stuff to learn, darn I'm gonna ask my dad for more stuff =P Guess thats about it for now, till next time ^_^

.JustAMusicFreak.

SHANGHAI!

Unreal

Bah

The Pig

Emo Withdrawal

SMTC (Seasonal Music Taste Change)

OFFICIALLY 22!

I Wish...

Guess It's Been Awhile

Flying Off To Australia

Mission Accomplished!

TSK

ARGH...

*Click Click Click*

Updates

Interesting Things Ahead =)

Thoughts

So Unpredictable

Back =)

It's Been Awhile

Changing

Fading Away?

Quiet

Field Camp Is Over!

And One More Thing

Hm...

At The Crossroads Once Again

Yawn

Back From Tekong!

Off I Go To Army =P

Nice Start To My Last Week Of Freedom =P

My Life

Excited!

IT Will Come For SURE!

The Air Is Sizzling With Anticipation!

Song Writing Fever

The Mark Of The Masking Tape =x

Quick Update!

Just Some Thoughts

Sunday Is Over =(

Nice Friday! =D

Excited!

Cool Sunday

Status Report For Next Worship Night

I'll Live For God And Not Myself!

So I Look To You!

I'll Leave It All Behind

Scared And Hanging On For Dear Life

New Year, Same Problem

Doing A Song! =D

Finally My New Year Posting

Darn I'm Sick =l

Wah What A Fast Christmas

Wow

Busy Week

Starting Over

A Different Me, A New Start

Honour And Intergrity

Deteriorate

The Mess That Is Me

Whatever Really

Time To Pick The Pieces Up

Argh...

Tired

Tonight I'll Shed Some Tears

I Want To Just Drive Away

Back From Hong Kong!

I'll Be Away

Is It Me, Or Does It Just Get Quieter Whenever I'm Around?

A Not So Good Sunday (Well Thats Something New)

My Emo Roots

Things Will Get Better Somehow, It Always Does

Am I Suffering In Silence? Does It Really Matter?

How The Lonely Keep

Wow It's Already Wednesday

Another Peaceful Day

Lalala~

=)

Back To The Routine

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